This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn’t quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a ‘special occasion’ napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn’t hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. ‘But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!
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Represent Christmas
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?” “They’re Carol’s.”
The cow dealer
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price.
After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.
The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared This isn’t the price I saw!”.
The salesman went on to tell the old wise farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.
The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, “My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?”
The farmer replied, “Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come and look at them and take your pick”.
The salesman said he and his son would be right out .
After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer’s cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.
The farmer said “Now wait a minute, that’s not the final price of the cow, you’re getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too”.
“What extras?” asked the salesman. Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow
BASIC COW – 500.00
Two-tone exterior – 45.00
Extra stomach – 75.00
Product storing equipment – 60.00
Straw compartment – 120.00
4 spigots @$10 each – 40.00
Leather upholstery – 125.00
Dual horns – 45.00
Automatic fly swatter – 38.00
Fertilizer attachment – 185.00
Afternoon: that part of the
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Brown Eye
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
The devil’s wife!
A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked “aren’t you afraid of me, I’m evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!”
The man replied “You don’t scare me, I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years”.
What is the definition of suspicion?
Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
Yo mama
yo mama like a doorknob everyone gets a turn
Be Nice to Nurses
When you’re hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even
when you’re feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this
the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were
his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning
she entered his room and announced, “I have to take your
temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry,” the
nurse stated,” but for this reading, I can’t use an oral
thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but
eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling
the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have
to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door
laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the
room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man
answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone
having their temperature taken?”
“Yes,” said the doctor. “But never with a carnation.”
Ugly
Your mama is SO ugly…..when she looked out the window, she got arrested for mooning!
Yo mamma
Yo mamma so ugly she maid an onion cry.
Feline Physics
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.