Author: admin

Bronx Guy

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A guy from the Bronx comes to New Jersey looking for a job. So
he goes to a construction site an goes in one of the trailers
and talks to the boss for a job opening. The boss doesn’t really
want to hire him because he looks like a punky kind of guy. So
the boss figures that he will give the guy an I.Q. test to see
how smart he is.

So he gives the guy a pencil and a piece of paper. He tells the
guy “I want you to write something that will equal to 9”. The
guy thinks about it and scratches his head thinking about it for
5 minutes. After 5 minutes he writes down something and gives
the paper to the boss. The boss asks him “What is this supposed
to mean?” and the guy says “Well, you see, three trees equal 9.
Tree, tree, and tree is 9.”

The boss says ok, a little frustrated, and gives the guy his
paper back. Then the boss tells him, “Well, I want it to equal
99.” The guy thinks about it, scratches his head, and after 10
minutes, he writes down something. He gives it to the boss. The
boss asks him ,”What’s this supposed to be?” and the guy tells
him, “Well, you see, the trees are all dirty, so dirty tree,
dirty tree, and dirty tree is 99.”

So the boss gives the paper back to the guy and says, “I want
you to write something to equal to 100.” So the guy sits there,
scratches his head, and after 15 minutes he writes something
down. He gives the paper to the boss and the boss says, “Now
what the hell is this supposed to be?” and the guy says, “Well,
you see, a little doggie came by and made a tird under every
dirty tree. So, dirty tree and a tird, dirty tree and a tird,
and dirty tree and a tird is 100.”

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver’s Test

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14 Things to do While Taking a Driver’s Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, “buckle up!”
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say “oops”.
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
13. Beep your horn at everything.
14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Financial Adviser

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While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then woke up and cried for a couple of hours…”

My First Time

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A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares , puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, “What’s the occasion?”The guy says,”I’m celebrating my first blowjob!”, as he finishes off the last shot.”Well,” says the bartender, “in that case, here have one on the house ” and he fills another shot glass.”No thanks,” says the guy, “If twelve didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, one more won’t!”

He is extremely drunk

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Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.”Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!”

Software Demo

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Speech Recognition Software Demo

At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
“Format C: Return.”

Someone else chimed in:
“Yes, Return”

Unfortunately, the software worked…

Women Assassin

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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.”We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained.”Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.”We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man.”Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.”I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.””No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.”We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”