your mama so old,when her house was burning down she got on the roof an started singing, clap your hand stomp your feet thank the lord we have heat.
Author: admin
New bull
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?'”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde.”
“She’ll read it very slowly.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
46 Fun Things to Do in a College Dorm
1. Hold office chair races in the hallways.
2. Take bets on above.
3. When your roomate is in the bathroom puking from drinking to
much… charge admission to watch.
4. Do the same when he is having sex.
5. Post a “masturbation schedule” in your room allocating
specific times at which you and your roomate are to be given “Me
Time.”
6. Alter fraternity/sorority recruitment posters to say funny
things (i.e. I once changed a frat sign with a slogan of “Real
Men Wear Black” to “Real Men Are Black”)
7. Give wake up calls at six in the morning to all the people
who were out drinking the night before. (Particularly fun if you
had to stay in and study)
8. Greet your new roomate wearing nothing but a smile.
9. In a room without bunk beds still ask if you can sleep on top.
10. Walk from room to room wearing only a towel.
11. Pass out flyers for a non-existent party to be held at
someone else’s room at 2 in the morning, then wait outside their
door and see who shows up.
12. Walk into the rooms of people you don’t know and,without
saying anything, make yourself at home, sit on their bed, turn
on their TV, go through their CD’s etc.
13. Insist on calling your roomate Dave.
14. Walk up and down the halls singing the Meow Mix theme song.
15. Whenever something odd happens like a door closes without
anyone around or you hear a strange noise… blame it on the
rabid maneating chinchilla.
16. When freshman are lost give them very specific incorrect and
confusing directions.
17. Post strange notices in the hallways like “All upper-class
freshman report to the Dining Hall Parking lot for Epidermal
inspections”
18. Post notice like above but for “All cars in the freshman lot
to be moved to…” and then make up a non-existant lot like
“Viar’s Field Lot”
19. When asked for directions to the above lot give very
specific incorrect directions.
20. Leave cryptic notes on those dry erase message boards that
people put on their doors (i.e. Rosebud or The Crow Flies at
Midnight)
21. Steal markers from message boards in #20, or if they have
tied a string to it to keep people from stealing it, steal the
string and leave the pen.
22. Point and laugh at the young republicans, taunt them by
saying “you’re a walking oxymoron”
23. In the laundry room, see how many people you can fit in a
dryer.
24. See how many people of the opposite sex you can get to make
out with you.
25. See how many people of the same sex you can get to make out
with you.
26. Go around asking to borrow small sums of money, never more
than a dollar… see how much you can make.
27. Ask to borrow odd items from people on your hall (i.e. a
single sock, toilet paper tubes, empty beer bottles, cigarette
butts) then return it several days later in a mangled condition.
28. Build forts out of your empty take-out containers.
29. Take all your stuff into the nearest lounge and insist that
it is your room.
30. During fire drills run around frantically screaming “We’re
all going to die!” When they tell you it’s just a drill, fall to
your knees crying “Why do they toy with us like this!”
31. Introduce yourself to different people using a different
name, place of origin, and accent each time. See how long you
can maintain the charade.
32. Intercept other people’s Pizza’s in the lobby and take them
for yourself.
33. Fill condom with water, freeze, place in strategic location.
34. Have sex in your roomate’s bed.
35. Offer other’s money to have sex in your roomate’s bed… see
if anyone takes up the offer.
36. When you see somone posting flyers go along behind them
tearing them down.
37. Order pizza for the whole dorm in your roomates name!
38. Insist your roomate take down all his posters because you
don’t like them staring at you when you undress. (i.e. I don’t
like the way Jim Morrison is staring at my ass)
39. Do the same as above but regarding their stuffed animals.
40. When your roomates parents call, tell them that their
son/daughter can’t talk right now because they’re having sex (or
because they are passed out drunk, hight, etc.)
41. Buy all the condoms from the condom machine on friday, and
on saturday sell them at elevated prices.
42. Hide gay porn in discreet locations in the rooms of your
more homophobic friends.
43. Find and befriend as many lesbians as possible… just
because.
44. Take a condom, put a couple of drops of lotion or shampoo (I
find pantene works well) and place in a strategic location.
45. Same as above but with actual semen (if it is readily
available to you)
46. Start a conga line… go from door to door … see if you
can get the whole dorm to join.
Good with a beard
There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work.
She tried sexy lingerie, toys, etc., etc., but had no luck.
So, one day she asked her friend what she should do, “It’s really annoying me now! He’s just not up for it. He’s always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?”
Her friend suggested, “Well, if he’s always out with the lads why don’t you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then he’ll come home and thank you appropriately.”
So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:
Man: Take Your clothes off!
Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!
Man: Stand on your head!
Woman: Ooohh Kinky!!!
Man: Spread your legs apart!
Woman thinks: This has really worked, give it to me!
The man then gets a small mirror and places it in between her legs.
Woman thinks: This is a new one!
Man says: You know, the lads were right, I would look good with a beard!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and
starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the
plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to
make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the
pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a
missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep
and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.
They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask
why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s
laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I
sneezed and a house blew up!”
A drunk stammers out
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.”
The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”
The Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married
couple’s
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw
her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the
daughter-in-law
answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and
it
makes me
happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will
be
home from
work any minute.”
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On
the way
home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by
the
door.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress” she replied.
“Needs ironing.” he said.
Set It Free
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Bill and Hillary jumped together
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who’d land
first?
A: Who cares?
Everything happens at the same
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Celebrity Golf Match
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
“You play golf?!” asks Jack.
Stevie says, “Yes, I have been playing for years.”
“But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?” Jack asks.
“I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,” explains Stevie.
“But how do you putt?” Nicklaus wondered.
“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.”
Nicklaus says, “What is your handicap?”
“Well, I play off scratch,” Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, “We must play a game sometime.”
Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.”
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?”
Stevie replies “I don’t care – any night next week is OK with me.”
You’re a redneck … after removing the empty
You’re a redneck if …. After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you
find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.