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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
There were two blondes at the park.
One says, “Look at that dead seagull over there.”
And the other looks up and says, “Where?”
Noticing that her boss’s fly was open, the embarrassed secretary
told him as she was leaving the office, “Your garage door is
open.” The bewildered executive didn’t know what to think until
a co-worker told him what she was referring to.
He decided to have some fun with her. The next day, he called
his secretary into his office and said, “Yesterday when my
garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a
hard top?” “Oh no,” she replied, “It was a little pink
Volkswagen with two flat tires up front.”
There was once a greedy man who wanted money, money and more money. His wife hated this. Once when the man was walking on the beach and saw a lamp. This reminded him of Aladdin. He picked up the lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He let the man make a wish. The man asked for “Money! I want money!!!”. The genie said he would grant his wish if he would let him have his wife for a month. The man let his wife go with the genie. The genie had sex with her. Afetr a month when she was leaving he asked her how old her husband was. “35”, she replied. The genie asked “And he still believes in genies?”
La hija de 12 a�os se da cuenta de que le hab�a llegado su primera menstruaci�n. Sin saber de qu� se trata, se va corriendo en busca de su madre:
“�Mam�, acomp��ame al ba�o, es urgente!”
Sin darle importancia, la madre no la toma mucho en cuenta:
“Estoy demasiado ocupada, ve donde tu padre”.
La ni�a sale corriendo donde el padre y le repite lo mismo:
“�Pap� acomp��ame urgente al ba�o!”
El padre tampoco le hace caso:
“Esp�rame un momento, porque estoy leyendo el diario”.
La chiquilla, sin otra soluci�n, se va al ba�o. Se levanta la falda y ve sus partes llenas de sangre; en eso, entra al ba�o su hermano de 8 a�os y al ver esta situaci�n corre sorprendido donde su padre:
“�Pap�, pap�, la Mar�a se cort� el pene!”
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, �Do you want to go to heaven?�
The man said, �I do Father.�
The priest said, �Then stand over there against the wall.�
Then the priest asked the second man, �Do you want to go to heaven?�
�Certainly, Father,� was the man�s reply.
�Then stand over there against the wall,� said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O�Toole and said, �Do you want to go to heaven?�
O�Toole said, �No, I don�t Father.�
The priest said, �I don�t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don�t want to go to heaven?�
O�Toole said, �Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.�
Besides “I love you”, what three words does a wife want to hear most?
“I’ll fix it.”
A rich man and a poor man had a talk about cristmass presents
richman \I got my wife a ring and a BMW for cristmass
poorman \ why both
richman \ if she dont like the ring she can drive back with
a smile
poorman \ i got my wife a piar of slippers and a vibraitor
richman \ why both
poorman \ if she dont like the slippers she can go fuck her self
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.””That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said
“Ya know Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.”
And every year Martha would say “I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs… and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So Stumpy says “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old. If I don’t go this time I may nevah go.”
Martha replies “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs… and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”
So the pilot overhears them and says “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won’t charge you, but just one word and it’s ten dollars.”
They agree and up they go.The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”
And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
You can’t be real. May I pinch you to see if I’m dreaming?
Hey, didn’t we go to different high schools?
There’s so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
At last! I finally found the perfect girl!
A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.
Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If I follow you home, will you keep me?
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If love is the answer…can you repeat the question?
I’m writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.
I know I’m not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?
But you’re so *cute* when you blush!
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
I don’t approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.
Please be patient–this is my first time.
May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.
Nothing says “I love you” better than six hours of nonstop sex.
A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
I only like two kinds of girls–domestic and imported.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
Didn’t I meet you in some other hallucination?
Be good and you’ll be lonely.
The best things in life are ME!
I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
I used to be a terrible flirt. I’m much better at it now.
I don’t dance. But I’d love to hold you while you do.
Clothes aren’t sexy. Women are.
I can’t whistle at my girlfriend…she leaves me breathless!
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
I feel great! And I don’t kiss badly either!
BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!
your momma is so stupid she locked herself in the toilet and peed her pants