Why does an elephant take a shower?
Because he can’t fit in the bathtub!
Author: admin
Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!
Day 15
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.
Rash!
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I’ve got a terrible rash on my cock! What will I do??
Doc: Here, take this medicine and see me in the morning. (man takes medicine)
Patient: Doctor, it didn’t work!
Doc: Here try this cream and come back in the morning. (uses cream)
Patient: Doctor, it didn’t work, what will I do?
Doc: Here use this magic remover and see me in the morning. (uses remover)
Patient: Doctor! It worked! What the hell was it?
Doc: Lip stick remover!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Coming or going
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Al Gore Pierces his nipple..
Why did Al Gore get his nipple pierced? Well, Bush already had a Dick Cheney.
Gay Church
Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling!!
I’ll have nun of that!
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?”, he asked.
“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.
A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?”, he asked again.
“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” She replied again.
A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said –
“What a cute little fart!”
Child Care News Item
A Gastonia, N.C., couple were arrested after they left their three children home alone with a black bear. After receiving a tip from a motorist who said they’d seen a bear in the couples’ car, officers went to the home of Cynthia and Adam Williams and found the bear at home with their three children, aged 3, 4 and 5. Cynthia Williams, 22, said she and her 24-year-old husband were holding the bear for a friend who was out of town. “As soon as we found out we couldn’t get it permitted, we were going to take it back,” she said. “It wasn’t vicious to nobody.” The bear was removed from the house by animal welfare officers and the children taken into protective care.
Executive Decisions
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!”
Getting Old’
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy year old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out.”
“Heck, that’s nothing.” said the eighty year old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.”
The ninety year old says, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig.”
The eighty year old looked at the seventy year old, then looked back at the ninety year old incredulously and asked, “So what’s your problem?”
The ninety year old replies, “I don’t wake up till eleven.”
Let Me In?
Girl: Knock Knock?
Boy: Who’s there?
Girl: Knock Knock!
BOY: Knock Knock who?
GIRL: Knock Knock, when will you let me in?!
Drinking Buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?””I’m from Ireland.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin.””Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Dublin are you from?” “The East Side.””The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where on the East Side are you from?” “McDonagh Street.””Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.” As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?””Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”