10. The monitor is up on blocks.9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is “Huntin”. 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.
Author: admin
Out Too Late
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take myshoesoff before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, How about a little?” and she pretends that she’s asleep.
Sparky!
Q. What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?
A. Sparky!
My Uncle
“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!'”
Changing lite bulbs
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly Five Hundred:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
17 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, “Me Too.”
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the “Me Too’s” and happily add, “Me Three!”
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
3 little pigs
The first little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the little pig said “Can I use your toilet?” and the bar man said straight ahead. Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the little pig said “Can I use your toilet?” and the bar man said straight ahead. The third little pig walked into the bar and said “Can I have a rum and coke?” and the bar man said “OK”. Then the Bar man said “I suppose you want to use the toilet”, but the third little pig said “No, I’m the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home”.
Speeding granny
Emma was a little old lady in a nursing home who would spend the days speeding
through the hallways in her wheel chair. Every so often one of the orderlies
would say “Emma, pull over your speeding again. I need to see your drivers
liscense.” Emma would pull over, dig around in her pocket, pull out a gumwrapper
or other piece of paper and hand it over. The they would tell her “Slow down”
With a giggle she would be on her way careening down the halls. She came
squealing around the corner only to find old Joe standing in his doorway with no
pants on. Emma pulled over to the side wailing “Oh no, not the breathalizer
again!”
U-turn
A farmer goes for his driving test. During the test the instructor says to the farmer, “Can you make a U – turn?”
The farmer replies. “No, but I can make its eyes water.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS FOR TEENAGERS
No one fails a class anymore; he’s merely “passing impaired.”
You don’t have detention; you’re just one of the� exit delayed.”
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s just “passage restrictive.”
These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”
Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk; it’s just “closure prohibitive.”
Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
Your homework isn’t missing; it�s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”
You’re not late; you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle
syndrome.”
You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”
No one’s tall anymore. He’s “vertically enhanced.”
You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
You don’t talk a lot… You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet
exchange of penned meditations.”
You’re not being sent to the principal�s office. You’re “going on a mandatory
field trip to the administrative building.”
It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual
information.”
The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenging.”
Moron Quiz
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s
sister.
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What
do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are
you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep
are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the
ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President’s name in 1960?
***NO CHEATING***
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So how do you think you did? Here are the answers….
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6).
Don’t forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s
sister?
No. He must be dead if it is his widow!
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What
do you get?
Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are
you left with?
Two (2). You take two apples…therefore, YOU have TWO apples.
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half and hour. How long will the pills last?
One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an
hour has passed.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep
are left?
Nine (9). like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses had an ark?
None. I didn’t know that Moses had an ark.
11. A butcher in the market is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh?
Meat…that is self-explanatory.
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE…it’s a
dozen!
13. What was the President’s name in 1960?
Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn’t changed his name.
So, how did you do?
13 correct…GENIUS…you are good!
10-12 correct…ABOVE AVERAGE…but don’t let it go to your head
7-9 correct…AVERAGE…but who wants to be average?
4-6 correct…SLOW…pay attention to the question
1-3 correct…IDIOT…what else can I say
0 correct…CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!
In a Rhodes tailor shop:…
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Raffling the Donkey
Luke, a farmer, who was originally from the city, was out plowing his field one day when his tractor got stuck in the wet ground. An old-timer driving by stopped his truck and walked over to the fence.”You need a mule to plow such wet ground,” he said.”Do you know where I can buy one?” asked Luke. Well,” said the old man, “I just happen to have one for a hundred dollars.” “Ill take him,” said Luke, counting out the money.”I can’t bring him over to-day,” said the old-timer, pocketing the money.”But I’ll have him over to you tomorrow for sure.” The next day, the truck pulled up and the old farmer got out.”Sorry,” he said, “but I got some bad news. I went out after breakfast this morning and I found the mule dead.””Well,” said the city feller, “then just give me my money back.” “Can’t do that,” said the old-timer apologetically.”I went and spent it already.””OK,” said Luke.”Then just unload the mule.” “What ya gonna do with him? asked the old man.”I think I’ll raffle him off,” replied Luke.”You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” chuckled the farmer.”Oh, yeah?” said Luke. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month went by, and the city fella and the farmer ran into each other at the barber shop.”What ever happened with that dead mule?” the old man asked.”I raffled him off,” said Luke.”I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit.”Didn’t anyone complain?” asked the old-timer.”Just the guy who won,” said Luke, “so I gave him his two dollars back.”