Author: admin

Try this on honey!

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A man goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
“This is $200,” she says.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.

“This one is $350.”
“I want it even more sheer than that.”

“This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!”

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not.”

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
“So, how do you like it?” she says.

“Damn, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron the damn thing!”

How To Wash A Cat

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1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The DOG

A guy was stranded on a desert island with…

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A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played it
cool, and he didn’t make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally,
one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship,
so as to attend to each other’s needs. Cindy said she was game and a very
vigorous sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to Cindy
and said, “I’m having this problem. It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need
to ask you a favor.”

Cindy said, “Okay.”

The guy said, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”

Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said, “Sure, you can borrow my
eyebrow pencil.”

The guy then said, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a
moustache on you?”

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says, “Okay.”

Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to
look more like a man.”

Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says, “Well I
guess so.”

Then the guy says to Cindy, “Do you mind if I call you Fred?”

Cindy, very dejected, says, “I guess not.”

So, the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says, “Fred, you
won’t believe who I’ve been sleeping with these past four months!”

Ghost

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A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said, ‘Goats’!”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Yisman

Berkeley’s Laws: (1) The

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Berkeley’s Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most general statements are false, including this one. (6) An exception – test a rule; it never proves it. (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it; it probably isn’t right. (8) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. (9) Check the answer you have worked out once more – before you tell anybody. – Edmund C. Berkeley

Under the bridge

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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

A Toad and a Frog

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A toad and a frog went to a whorehouse and got laid. Three days later, the toads dick turned a bright yellow, and the frogs dick turned a deep red. They proceeded to walk to the doctors house down the street and found he had left for the week to go on a golfing trip. The frog, frustrated, started to walk home.

The toad decided to find help elsewhere…. thinking it over, the frog turned around and tried to catch-up to the toad. The toad met a wicked witch, and asked her if she could cure the yellow dick syndrome… she told him to go down the road, and follow the signs until he came to the land of OZ… once there, the great and powerful Wizard would cure him. He thanked the witch, and started his journey.

Five minutes later, the frog met the witch and asked her if she would cure his red dick syndrome…she replied.” No I can’t, but the great and powerful Wizard of OZ could. The frog, so happy to hear this asked how to get there.

The witch replied, “follow the yellow dicked toad.”