I stepped on a stump and stomped on it.
Then,I had a scratch that turned into a sore.
So I stepped away from the stump and stepped on the steps.
Then I went to sleep since I was sick.
Author: admin
Xmas Girl
Watch her wiggle, see her jiggle. Yes, she really does strip. . . almost (Gals, and those guys who are into it, look for Xmas Guy)Xmas Girl (256K)Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit programs. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!
Funeral Arrangements
When a funeral parlor called Tom Mabe, an unemployed Louisville, Ky., musician, and tried to sell him a burial plan, Mabe decided to have some fun. He told the salesman he was waiting for a sign from God as to whether he should kill himself, and the funeral call was it. “You’re the angel of death, man,” he told the salesman. Unfazed, the funeral man said, “If we can get the paperwork out to you this afternoon, can you hold off killing yourself until tomorrow?”
Penis Tax
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10″- 12″ Luxury Tax……….$30.00
8″- 10″ Pole Tax………….$25.00
5″- 8″ Privilege Tax………$15.00
4″- 5″ Nuisance Tax……….$3.00
Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS
*****NOTE*****
We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
– Are there penalties for early withdrawals? – What if one’s penis is self employed? – Do multiple partners count as a corporation? – Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? – Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
Submitted by Calamjo
Eedited by Curtis
heaven
al gore, monet, and einstein went to heaven. but since there are
so many people trying to sneak into heaven, St. Peter has to
guard the gates of heaven. he sees einstein and asks him “how
can you prove that you are who you say you are?” einstein takes
a piece of chalk and writes his most difficult theories of
reletivity on a chalkboard. St. Peter says “ok, einstein, come
on in.” Monet takes the chalk and draws a beautiful picture of a
sunset. St. Peter says, “ok, Monet, come on in.” he turns to
Gore and says, “well, monet and einstein proved they were who
they said they were. how are you going to prove YOURself?” Gore
puts on a blank, stupid look and says, “who’s einstein, and who
the hell is Monet?” St. Peter says, “ok, Gore, come on in!”
Babe Root
What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.
Stupid Tourists
Last Sunday’s edition of the Union-Leader featured an article on the Presidential Range. A large portion of the article was made up of quotes heard by state park, Mt. Washington Auto Road, “stagecoach,” and Cog Railway employees over the years.
Here are some choice excerpts.
—————————————-
“Where are the presidents’ faces carved into the mountain?”
“Are you a native Vermonter?”
“Is this the base?” [asked at summit]
“Do you work for the state of Connecticut?”
“Is there any danger of this mountain erupting while I’m on it?”
“Can you see New Hampshire from here?”
“Boy, the visibility must be 90 miles an hour!”
“How come I can still breathe this high up?”
“You say that’s the ocean we’re looking at out there? Which one?”
“Where’s the view?”
“Who cut down all the trees up here?”
“How do they keep the Lakes of the Clouds filled?”
“Where’s the summit?” [asked at the top]
“They told me I was going to get a historic view up here. Is this it?”
“When they built [the auto road], did they start at the top or the bottom?”
“Can I drive my car to Tuckerman’s Ravine?”
“Is there a one-hour time difference between here and the bottom of the road?”
“Is that man-made?” [visitor pointing to Cog Railway]
“Do you have an elevator to the base?”
“Is walking down called hiking, too?”
“Are any of your trails paved?”
“Are any of the trails lit for night hiking?”
“What’s the name of the trail I just came up? It’s short and steep.”
“Are the hiking trails man-made?”
“How high is the other side of the mountain?”
“What are the emergency shelters for?”
“Where are all the dead people?”
“Where’s the sign that says how many people jumped from up here?”
“Are there boat races on the Lakes of the Clouds?”
“Are the brooks up here fresh or salt water?”
“What does ‘no tenting’ mean?”
“I didn’t hike up. Am I still allowed to talk to you?”
Faggot Football
John, a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on TV. Charles asked John, “Hey, do you want to play a game?”
John thinks for a second and replies, “Sure, why not!”
Charles begins to state the rules of the game and says to John, “what you have to do is drink a mug of beer for 6 points and pull down your pants and fart for the extra point!”
“Piece of cake, let’s do it!” John replies.
“I’ll go first,” shouts Charles.
He stands up, gulps down the first mug of beer for 6 points and pulls down his pants and farts for the extra point. “Seven – zip, your turn!” he says to John.
John gets ready to begin. He stands up, gulps down his mug of beer for 6 points, then pulls down his pants for the extra point. Charles suddenly jumps up, whips out his pecker and shouts, “BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!”
Notice
A notice in the student�s cafe:
“Dear students! Don�t throw hamburgers and beefsteaks on the floor, three dogs
have already croaked “.
X-rated parrot
A woman had a female parrot which kept saying, ‘Hello, I am very horney.
Do you want to have some fun?’ She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor
to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, ‘Bring your bird to my
house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time.
They will be a good influence on her.’ So, the woman brought the parrot to
his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She
squawked, ‘Hello, I am very horney. Do you want to have some fun?’ One
male parrot looked at the other one and said, ‘Put away the Bible, Fred,
our prayers have been answered.’
Horoscopes
Aquarius
There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the
back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by
playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day.
Pieces
They to avoid any Virgo’s or Leo’s with the Ebola virus. You
are the true “Lord of the Dance” no matter what those idiots at
work say.
Aires
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40
pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an
albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness. What’re you gonna do? Cry
about it? The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your
fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of
the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct
tape up your nose while taking your driving test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to
your boss’ face. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored Jell-O, and wash
it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo
All Virgo’s are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for
you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your
head impaled upon a stick.
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more
talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember
that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio
Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an
open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low
self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of fat old women you’ve got
hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person,but
you know they’re lying. If I were you, I’d lock my doors and
windows and never ever,ever, ever, ever leave my house again.
Untitled joke
How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw in a new bulb, and four to beat the hell out of the old one for being dark.