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The Top 16 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn’t Going Well (Part I)

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16> Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party.

15> During the toast, when the bride’s father refers to his daughter as “pure and virtuous,” you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.

14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.

Your pissed-off bride? A goat.

12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn’t count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy’s grave.

11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride’s glass eye.

10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary “flash-mob reception.”

9> Traditional wedding: rice.

Your wedding: scorpions.

8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole “accidentally” kicks over your ventilator.

7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it’s unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.

6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to “NAMBLA Illustrated.”

5> You can’t get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.

4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.

3> “Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23– damn, the server’s down again!”

2> One hour before the big “I do,” you suddenly realize there’s a bridesmaid you haven’t nailed.

1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can’t find the friggin’ ring.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Magic Frog

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A man with a 25 inch penis went to his doctor and complained he
was unable to establish an intimate relationship with a lady due
to his size. “Doctor,” he asked in total frustration, “is there
any way you can shorten it?” The doctor replied, “medically son,
nothing can be done; but, I know of a witch who may be able to
help you”, and he gave him directions to the witch’s house.

The man calls upon the witch and explains his dilemma: “Witch,
my penis is 25 inches long, so I cannot establish an intimate
relationship with a lady?” The witch stares in amazement,
scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I have a solution
to your problem. You need to go deep in the forest to Hidden
Pond. You will see a frog sitting on a log who can solve your
dilemma. You must ask the frog, ‘will you marry me?’ Each time
the frog says ‘NO’ to your proposal, your penis will shrink five
inches.”

The man couldn’t hide his excitement as he dashed into the
forest and located Hidden Pond. He called out to the frog, “will
you marry me?” The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied,
“NO!” The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches
shorter. “WOW,” he screamed, “this is great!! But it’s still too
long at 20 inches, so I’ll ask the frog to marry me again.”
“Frog, will you marry me?”, he shouted. The frog rolled its eyes
back in its head and screamed back, “NO!” The man felt another
twitch in his penis, looked down, and it shrank another 5
inches. The man reflected, “this is fantastic, but 15 inches is
still a monster; just a little shorter would be ideal”.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will
you marry me?” The frog looked back across pond shaking its head
in disgust, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO! … NO!
… and for the last time, NO!”

Stuttering Dilemma

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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter
in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s
dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s
dep-p-p-partment?” Again the clerk doesn’t answer him.

The guy asks several more times, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s
dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk seems to ignore him. Finally the guy storms off in
anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the
clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer the guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to
get the s-s-snot b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?”

1. El uniforme es opcional.

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1. El uniforme es opcional.

2. Las reglas son francamente sencillas.

3. No existen l�mites de tiempo.

4. Rara vez se dice de �l: ‘Este encuentro est� arreglado’.

5. No se suspende por lluvia.

6. El n�mero de jugadores var�a de acuerdo con los participantes.

7. No hay �rbitros que lo echen a perder.

8. Se puede hacer todo el esc�ndalo que uno quiera y el contrincante no pierde la concentraci�n.

9. Carece de entrenadores gritones y malhumorados.

10. El calentamiento cobra un nuevo significado.

11. Es posible jugar s�lo… aunque no sea igual de entretenido.

12. La cancha donde se practique, es lo de menos.

13. Nadie reclama si hay mano dentro del �rea.

14. Todos disfrutan de los tiempos extra.

Q: How many rec.humor

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Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing in the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb with a slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain that it was not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by displaying the canonical collection of bulbs.

Disorder in Court

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From a little book called “Disorder in the Court”.
These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis–does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son–the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: and, before the accident?
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.