Author: admin

Win a Bet /Lose a bet

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A guy walks into a bar.He bets the bartender $150 that he could toss a half-dollar coin into a shot glass all the way on the other side of ther bar.The bartender takes the bet.

The guy tosses the coin and he misses.So he pays the bartender $150.

The same guy comes back the next day and he said to the bartender that that half-dollar coin was to big to fit in the shot glass.So the bartender said try it with a quarter.The bet is on $150 if he can toss the quater in the shott glass all the way on the other side of the room.He tosses the coin and he misses.So he pays the bartender.

So he starts to drink and drink and drink till he is WASTED!So he bets the bartender $300 double or nothing that he could PISS in the shot glass across the room.So he wipps out his penis and just starts pissing everywhere on the walls on the floor and even on the bartender.

So the bartender is on the ground laughing his nutts off and he says to the guy you are the biggest fool I have ever seen.The guy says NO YOU are the biggest fool I have ever seen I just bet this dude outside $100,000 that I could PISS all over your bar.

License

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The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license.

“This is last year’s license,” the warden informed him.

“I know,” said the hunter, “but I shouldn’t need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

47!

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A blonde is walking along a rail road track when a brunette comes skipping up behind her shouting at the top of her lungs “47!,47!,47!” Well the blonde thought that looked like a lot of fun so she fell into stride behind the brunette and started chanting “47!,47!,47!” but then a train started to come up behind them the brunette saw it just in time and got off the track but the blonde didnt and got hit by the train and died. Then the brunette got back on the track and started chanting “48!,48!,48!”

Cool Stud!

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Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”

“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!”

“No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.
“And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy.

“I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says…
“One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”

Evaluation comments

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Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all
those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

One man will defeat the English Army

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A huge fleet of the english army came to a hill, on the bottom of the hill, there was a forest of trees. Just before the king was about to go down into it he heard a voice from the forest it yelled, ” ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!” The king was outraged and he sent two of his best knights down. After much clashing of swords there was blood curdling screams and all was silent. Again the king heard” ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!” He was now so furious that he sent twenty of his knights down. There were screams of agony and pain…then all was quiet. again they heard ” ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!” The king was know seeing red and in his fury he sent the remaining of his fleet down to the forest. There were screams an clashing of swords and then all was quiet. The king was dumbfounded!! But one of his comrades came limping up the hill, this man was tattered and bruised, his left hand had been chopped off an he was bleeding profoundly. In a hoarse voice he knelt before the king and said ” My lord they tricked us…..there were two of them”

Country Name

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The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?”

A little girl called out, “That’s the flag of our country.”

“Very good,” the teacher said. “And what is the name of our country?”

‘Tis of thee,” the girl said confidently.

Bow Legged

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A boy would walk down the street and whenever he saw someone with bowed legs would point at them and yell, “Hey look at that bow legged bastard!”

Well his parents tried to break him of this and finally decided that the child needed some refinement.

So they sent him off to a private school where he read the classics, listened to classical music, all the things that are considered cultured.

When the boy went home he spoke to his parents in a dignified manner. After dinner they decided to go for a walk.

Upon spotting a bow legged man walking on the opposite side of the street he said, “So, tell me father – who are these men with balls in parentheses?”

No More Chocolate

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A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate
ice cream cone. The clerk behind the counter apologizes and and
states that they are out of chocolate and would the madam like
to choose a different flavor. The woman says “Oh! in that case,
I’ll have chocolate. The clerk again apologizes and thinking
that the woman didn’t hear him, states again that they are out
of chocolate.

“Is there another flavor that I can get for you?”, he asks.

The woman says, “Well I guess I’ll have chocolate.”

The clerk who is getting agitated says, “Look. WE ARE OUT OF
CHOCOLATE!”

The woman asks for chocolate again! The clerk, who is extremely
pissed, tells the woman: “Spell VAN as in vanilla.”

The woman spells out “V-A-N.”

“Now,” says the clerk, “spell STRAW as in strawberry.”

The woman spells out “S-T-R-A-W”.

“Ok.” says the clerk, “Now spell FUCK as in Chocolate.”

The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, “Hey!
Their’s no ‘FUCK’ in ‘chocolate’!”

And the Clerk replies, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell
you!”