Author: admin

Teach it to Cook

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A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

“I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive”, she said.

“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?”

“$50.00?? For a Frog??” asked the woman.

The clerk said, “It’s a special frog. It gives blow jobs.”

Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She’d get her husband a gift he’d surely enjoy, and she’d never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he’d try it out that night.

The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she’d never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

“What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?” asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, “Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!”

Lobster Poacher

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After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

Woman at Supermarket

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There’s a woman in a supermarket. She gets the basic things
like milk, eggs, and bread. She goes up to the counter and
there’s a drunk guy standing there. She puts the stuff on the
counter and the guy says, “Ma’am, you must be single.”

Puzzled, the woman replies with, “How could you tell that by
what I put on the counter?”

The drunk guy says, “Cause you’re uglier than shit.”

Bush Country

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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.” A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

“Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Bush country!” “Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

Dick Cheney, President Bush

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Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick
looks at Dubai, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out
the window right now and make one person very happy.” Dubai shrugs his shoulders
and says, “Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10
people very happy.” George Bush Senior says, “Of course then, I could throw
one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of
you out the window and make the whole country happy.”

Call for a Doctor

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It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

Failed Star Wars Merchandising

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1> Barbie Wan Kenobie’s Malibu Deathstar2> Darth Vibrader3> “Ewok On A Stick” toilet brushes4> Volkswagon’s “Return of the Jetta”5> Tampex Tampons, now with starfighter X-wings and lightsabre applicator6> Darth Vader Ginsberg doll — Black robe and goofy glasses sold separately7> Metamucil – “May the Force run through you!”8> McDonald’s Ewok Burger Happy Meal9> “Do you know me? Probably not, if I’m out of my Stormtrooper uniform. That’s why I carry American Express.”10> Han Solo Cups11> R2D2, C3PO & KY4U “Adult Action Figures”12> Lando Calrissian Cognac — 40 Parsecs of smoooooth13> Princess Chia14> Chewbacca Chew’n T’bacca, from Skoal15> The “Princess LeiaMe” blow-up doll

Scooby Doo

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There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her
doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before
you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my
patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ”Scooby doobie
doobie, give me bigger boobies.” She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed
one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on
the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on
the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ”Scooby doobie doobie, give me bigger
boobies”. The man standing next to her says, ”You go to Dr. Smith?” ”Yes,”
she said, ”how did you know?” He replies ”Hickory dickory dock!”