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Car broken down

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Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of this highway occurs.

It’s not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What the hell is going on here?”

“My car broke down,” says the lady, calmly.

“Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?” Screams the cop.

“Those are my emergency flashers!” she replied!

Hab�a una gran fiesta en

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Hab�a una gran fiesta en Los Pinos, y much�sima gente asisti�. Dos hombres charlaban entre los invitados, mientras uno de ellos pon�a su ‘objetivo en la mira’:

“Oye, �qui�n es esa chica?”, le pregunta uno al otro.

“No lo s�, �por qu� no vas con ella y averiguas?”

El sujeto se dirigi� a donde estaba la dama, y le pregunt� si quer�a bailar, a lo que ella responde:

“Mire, no puedo bailar por tres razones: primera, est� usted muy borracho; segunda, el Himno Nacional no se baila y, tercera, yo soy el Cardenal de Puebla”.

Reducing travel risk

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There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he’d got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, “Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.”

Cookies

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A boyfriend and a girlfriend were at the corner of the
girlfriend’s neighborhood. She said, “Do you wanna walk me to
my door?”

He said, “I don’t know, I don’t think it’s right, I don’t want
to.”

“I’ll give you a cookie.”

“All right.”

She was walked to her door and said, ” Do you wanna come inside?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think it’s right, I don’t want to.”

“I’ll give you 2 cookies.”

“Ok.”

They went inside and the girfriend asked, “Do you wanna come to
my room?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think it’s right, I don’t want to.”

“I’ll give you 3 cookies.”

“Alright.”

They went upstairs to her room and the girfriend questioned,
“Do you wanna get in bed?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think it’s right, I don’t want to.”

“I’ll give you 4 cookies.”

“Well, ok.”

They got in bed and the girlfriend said, “You wanna get naked?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think it’s right, I don’t want to.”

“I’ll give you 5 cookies.”

“Alright.”

As they were getting undressed and having sex, the girlfriend’s
father came in. He asked, “Get off my daughter!”

The boyfreind said, “I don’t know, I don’t think it’s right, I
don’t want to.”

Naked in the hall

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick.Startled, he drops a bar of soap. ‘Oh look,’ says the second nun, ‘a soap dispenser.’To test her theory she also pulls his dick… and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells, ‘Look, hand cream!’

A Dollar for Israel

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A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.”Excuse me, sir” he asked the old gentleman, “where did you get all this money?””Vell, I’ll tell you,” the old man began, “for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say ‘Give me a dollar for Israel or I’ll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'””That’s quite a story,” the customs agent said, “what’s in the second suitcase?””Vell, you know,” said the old man, shaking his head, “not everyone likes to give…”

Bottom Deodorant

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The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would
like some more.

“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of
underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

‘Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!

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adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin’ Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess y’all red ’bout in skool.
antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan……(v) lukin’ fer hookers (don y’all do this)
cauterize….(v) makin’ eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
emema……..(n) sumone who ain’t never no frend no how
fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome.
series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles….(n) books of the Bible
tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

The Cost of Christmas

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The cost for all the presents in ”The Twelve Days of Christmas” has taken an unprecedented swan dive this year. A 50 percent fall in the price tag for seven swans a swimming” helped cut this year’s bill for the items in the famous Christmas carol by $3,462.55 from 1996, PNC Bank calculated in an index released Monday.

The total cost for giving one’s true love everything from 12 drummers drumming to a partridge in a pear tree this year is $12,481.65, down 21.7 percent from $15,964.20 in 1996 and the lowest level since 1986. This is the first time since researchers at PNC Bank began compiling the annual index in 1984 that the price of Christmas has fallen significantly, although it took a 0.6 percent dip in 1988. The decline reflects inflation trends in the economy at large, as well as progress in reviving the trumpeter swan population. The price for the swans dropped due to a fluctuation of supply and demand,” PNC said.

The general flatness in the cost of most of the items in the song reflect the low inflation rate.” The price for seven swimming trumpeter swans, as quoted by the Philadelphia Zoo, dropped from $7,000 last year to $3,500. The North American population of the swans has risen from 73 in 1935 to more than 14,000 now, driving down the price and bringing the government close to removing the birds from the endangered species list, PNC said.

In general, prices for consumer goods such as five gold rings were steady or lower. But services such as leaping lords were steady or higher. The price of five gold rings fell to $325 from $450 last year, while the price of a pear tree fell to $12.50 from $19.99, because the nursery PNC uses was having a sale.

The cost of eight minimum-wage milkmaids was unchanged at $34 for one hour’s service, while unionized pipers piping and drummers drumming commanded the same fees as the year before, for the first time. Those fees were $1,109.16 for the 11 pipers and $1,201.59 for the 12 drummers. But the bill for 10 lords a leaping climbed 5.6 percent, to $3,182.57, the only increase on the list.

talking for a littel kid

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A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, “You bitch!” And the mom screamed,
“You bastard!” And the little boy said, “Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean???” And the parents replied “Um…ladies and
gentlemen.” And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said “Nice
tits!” And the mom, “Nice dick!” And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, “Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???” “Um…hats
and coats.” And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad’s elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) “Shit!” He bellowed.
“Daddy what does that mean???” “Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I’m using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing.” And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. “Fuck!” She
hollered and the little boy said , “Mommy, what does that
mean???” “Um, it means I’m cutting the turkey.”

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: “Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad’s up stairs whipping the shit off
of his face and mom’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”

p.s( iam very sorry if u have the same joke as this iam
soooooooooo sorry sorry but i saw a joke kind the same as this 1
and i look at it and i added this so iam soooooo sorry if is 1
of your jokes well i herd this 1 from my friend bye and thank u
for yor time)