Yours Fun Portal !
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion!”
Harp’s Corollary To Estridge’s Law: Your “IBM PC-compatible” computer grows more incompatible with every passing moment.
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became
quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn’t on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with
halitosis.
Q: Where do cats write down notes?
A: Scratch Paper!
What do you call twenty lesbians in a closet?
Lickerish.
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent: $20.00 Oil Change $1.00 Coffee —————- $21.00 Total
Men:
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.
Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee ————————— $1337 Total
A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so its not like you’re the first……”
This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, “…but they probably weren’t vets.”
Theres three guys that are builder men. One day they are all
complaining how there life is so boring and that if they get the
same lunch once more they will commit suicide.
The next day the three men all got the same sandwiches. They all
commit suicide. All the wifes are called and told what happened.
The first two wifes say that they should have never packed them
those lunches! The third wife says: I dont get it? He packed his
own lunch!
Three teenagers are walking in the forest when they meet a
wizrd. He tells them that if they jump off the cliff and wish
for sumptin they will fall rite into it so… The first girl
wishes for gold and lands in a pile of gold. The guy wishes for
money and lands in money. the third guy trips on a rock and says
Crap! he lands in a pile of crap
What do u say to sumone who tries to steal yur cheese?
NATCHO CHEESE!
What did one light say to the other?
YOU TURN ME ON
What did one knife say to the other?
YOUR LOOKING SHARP TODAY
Your pretty…
Pretty ugly!
how to give yourself a facial:
Ingridients:
1/2 glass of fresh dirt
2 onions
a bag of flour
Lemons
DIRECTIONS:
1- Get some fresh dirt from your garden.
2- Take the fresh dirt and rub it all over your face (do not put
on your eyes or lips)
3- take the two onions and put them on your eyes! (they replace
cucumbers any time) Fact– Onions are good for your eyes because
they clear your tear duxes
4- Take the flour and get someone to pour it all over your face.
It will clear your pours and make your face a lighter color. (If
you are pale use brown sugar)
5- Leave on for about 5 minutes and then get sumone to pour the
lemon all over your face for a nice clean feeling
6- After 30 minutes take off! Your face will be beutiful ( If
troubles taking off use gardening tools)
your momma so fat she dunks her vitamins in brown gravy
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
”Nice bike,” the cop said, ”did Santa bring it to you?”
”Yep,” the little boy said, ”he sure did!”
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
”Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ��nice horse you got their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?” ”Yes, He sure did,” said the cop.
the little boy looked up at the cop and said, ”Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.”
An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?”
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered “I wear this collar because I am a Father”.
The old man thought a second and responded “Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?”
The priest thought for a minute and said “Sir, I am the father for many”.
The old man quickly answered, “I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?”
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out “Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people.”
The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, “Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.”
When in doubt, mumble.