Beer and Ice Cream DietAs we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. X 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized.Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6, 216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.Happy eating!
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My Aunt
Joe says to Bill, “Want to see a picture of my Aunt?”
Bill said, “Sure.”
So Joe takes out a picture.
Bill says, “What are you talking about?
Thats not your aunt!
Thats a picture of a fish!”
Joe says, “Well sure it is… It’s my aunt Chovy!”
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?A: There is White-out on the screen.
Yo mama so fat…
Yo mama so fat when she goes swimming with a black suit on the whales start singing, “WE ARE FAMILY… EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE FATTER THAN ME”
Medical Miracles
An Israeli doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says, “That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says, “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work.”
Wrinkles
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Physic Parrot
Three women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, “Yellow, pink, blue.”
The first lady says, “That’s funny, I�m wearing yellow underwear.”
The second lady says “well I’m wearing pink.”
The third lady says “No way, I’m wearing blue.”
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, “white ! white ! white!”
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled “Bald, curly and straight!”
They never went there again!!
yo mamma so fat
yo mamma so fat her stretch marks spell her name
Different Answer
“Excuse me, could you tell me the time?” asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.
“Sure….it’s three fifteen,”he replied with a smile.
“Thanks,” she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.”You know, it’s the weirdest thing-I’ve been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer.”
Need a BMW
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
fall’s into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the
chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to
safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be
found. So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole
and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the
horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the
meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The
chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from
the farmer.
The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he
stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for
my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and
pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick
up chicks.
Chicken Farming Chick
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
Beating Heart
Why must the beating heart
always choose one amoung
Lovers? The mothers?