Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: He was stapled to the chicken!
Author: admin
Be Bolder
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.
The marriage counselor told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”
Yo mama poor
yo mama so poor I sat on a penny and she told me get of my paycheck
The Prom
Three men were doing they’re normal “I can top you” routine. The first man says, “I can remember back to the first day I was in nursery school.”
The second man says, “I can to that. I can remember back to the day I was born, hearing the doctor congratulating my mother on what a big, healthy baby I was.”
The third man starts laughing. “You think that’s going back?! I remember going to a dance with my father and coming home with my mother”
NEWS FLASH: Terrorists…
JOKESGALORE NEWS FLASH
10 – 29 – 2001:
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.
Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:
1: Bin Sleepin
2: Bin Drinkin
3: Bin Fightin
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.
Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.
END OF NEWS FLASH
(Pillaged from the Cleveland Browns forums).
http://www.clevelandbrowns.com
Leaving for work
Before leaving for work, a man said to his wife, “How many times did I say to
you, don’t sleep with your legs apart. One day your liver may fall out.”
Next day, she apparently forgot the husband’s warning. When he saw her
sleeping with her legs apart, he decided to frighten her. He went to the
kitchen, took a cow’s liver, and laid it between his wife’s legs.
When, in the evening, he came back home from work, his wife said, “You were
right, darling. My liver fell out this morning.”
“And was it painful?” the husband said.
“When it fell out, it was not. But when I was squeezing it back in…..”
Microsoft to buy the U.S. Government
REDMOND, Wash. – Oct. 21, 1997 — In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
“It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone”. Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be “minimal”.
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by “Q4 1999 at latest”, according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had “willingly and enthusiastically” accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as “a relief”. He went on to say that Gates has a “proven track record”, and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their “full support and confidence”. Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as “silly”, though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would “of course” be Abolished.
“Microsoft isn’t a democracy”, he observed, “and look how well we’re doing”. When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, “We don’t deny that discussions are taking place”. Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ “MSFT”) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
Victoria’s secret
A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can
find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
“This is $200,” she says.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.
“This one is $350.”
“I want it even more sheer than that.”
“This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!”
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, “Go put this on and
come down to model it for me.” His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks,
“This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing
it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.”
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top
of the stairs.
“So, how do you like it?” she asks. Her husband then complains, “Darn, you’d
think for $500 they’d iron the dang thing!
Poland
What do you call a pretty woman in Poland?
A tourist.
Murphy on Cops
Murphy’s Laws Of Law Enforcement
1. Bullet Proof vests aren’t.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and
choke harder too.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you’ve been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash hiders don’t really.
9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News.
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed,
he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don’t need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you
can.
19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you’ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn’t do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is “Boomer”.
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is “holed-up” in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker “holed-up” in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
Dear Agony Aunt…
Dear Editor, I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft? Sincerely, Larry
Two Blondes in the W
Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks in the dirt, the first blonde says, “Look at those bear tracks”. The second blonde says,”Those aren’t bear tracks, those are deer tracks”.The first blonde says “No they’re not, there bear tracks”. The second blonde argues back.”No they’re not, they’re deer tracks.”Then, they both got hit by the train.