It’s against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas. In Maine, it’s illegal for a police officer to tell you to have a nice day after giving you a traffic ticket. In Natoma, Kansas, it’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits. You can’t sleep with chickens in Clawson City, Mich. In California, it’s against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag. It’s illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you’re sitting on a curb in St. Louis. It’s against the law in Chicago to eat in a place that is on fire. It’s illegal to slurp soup in New Jersey.In Mayville MI it is illegal to play frisbee in the street.In Kansas it is illegal to have cherry pie alamode (icecream on cherry pie)In Los Angeles it is illegal to have an icecream cone in your pocket.
Author: admin
10 Husbands
TEN HUSBANDS
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.
What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?
“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … God, I miss him!
“But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the husband, “but, why?” “Duh; you’re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!”
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Lovely gift
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
FORD…
- FORD (Acronym)
- Fix Or Repair Daily.
Alternate:
Found On Road Dead
How can you tell if you’re in Canada?…
How can you tell if you’re in Canada?
In July the standard greeting is ‘have a nice day’
In January it’s ‘have an ice day’
Shellfish Crab
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend’s had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed “Where’s my ice cream cone?
“Well”, he said. “I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too.”
She was incensed and cried “You shellfish bastard!!”
Things came to a head last week and the name…
Things came to a head last week and the name Monica Lewinsky is fast
becoming a real mouthful at the White House. The latest news about
President Clinton is definitely hard to swallow and seems certain to
leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the current administration. It
will be some time before all the stains resulting from this issue are
removed from the Oval Office.
Monica Lewinsky has proved to be not as tight lipped as Clinton had
hoped and is expected to spit out the truth to a Grand Jury tomorrow.
She will surely go down in history for her orations concerning the
comings and goings behind the doors of the Oval Office. Monica was
apparently on her knees when she received the recent gagging order
from the White House and now has to decide whether to swallow her pride
and dispose of the evidence, or to succumb to the deep throated
rumblings of the Washington Press Corp. and spill the issue wide open.
Any attempt by Lewinsky to suck up to Clinton can only be construed as
lip service and Clinton would be advised to try and minimize the
impact of this, the latest in a long series of blows he has received
since coming to power. Despite this latest blow, job security for the
President seems to be assured, as he can rely on his proven oral
skills to promote a career in public speaking, being, as he has often
shown, a cunning linguist. (Although Hillary Clinton may disagree with
this, as she claims she is rarely on the end of a tongue lashing from
Bill!)
Miss Lewinsky is from a naval background and her choice of Bill
Clinton as a lover is somewhat surprising, given her preference for
seamen. According to her lawyer, Miss Lewinsky likes to see men in
power and relished the thought of taking a length of time to chew things
over with the President, whenever she could fit him in. And the
President was equally keen to see Miss Lewinsky, always putting on a
spurt when he entered her office.
Miss Leweinsky has apparently been offered a PR job by Listerine, who
described her as spunky enough for any job. Her name has also been
associated with Big Gulp soda advertising and Kleenex.
Mind your own business!
Knock-knock
Who’s There?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!
The snail
One Sunday morning John stepped out onto the porch in his bathrobe to pick up his newspaper. He noticed a snail on the paper, so he picked it up and flung it across the front lawn onto the sidewalk.
On another Sunday morning, about two years later, John was out on the porch again to pick up his paper, when he noticed a snail on the paper. It was the same snail.
Bill looked at the snail. The snail looked at Bill.
Then the snail said: “Now, was that REALLY necessary?!”
Este era un joven al
Este era un joven al que toda su vida sus padres le dijeron que la vagina ten�a dientes. Un d�a, conoce a una joven que lo invita a su casa. Ella se desnuda y le dice:
“Soy toda tuya”.
El tipo, enfurecido, le reclama:
“�Est�s loca? �Cochina de mierda, eres una perra! Tienes dientes en tu vagina y quieres comerme el pene.
“�No, imb�cil! �Qui�n te dijo semejante estupidez?”
“�S�, si tienes dientes en la vagina!”
“�C�mo crees eso!”
“S�, mis padres toda mi vida me han dicho que la vagina tiene dientes y t� s�lo quieres comerme el pene. �Maraca!”
“Mira, mete el dedito para que veas que no tengo dientes”.
“�Est�s loca, me lo morder�s!”
“�No seas est�pido!”, le grita al tiempo que toma la mano del joven y la introduce en la vagina.
“�Tengo dientes, hijo de puta?”
“�No, pero tienes las enc�as hechas mierda!”
Anorexic
Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A. Quarter-ponder with cheese.