Author: admin

The Guy’s Sick

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The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss.

“I’m sick,” he says.

Boss excuses him. Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says.

Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notes that this is the second Monday in a row. Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.”

Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task the next day. As soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

“What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”

Man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long.”

“Your sister?!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting!”

Man says, “Hey, I *told* you I was sick!”

Mom’s Brownies Recipe

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Mom’s Brownies Recipe…

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr “no, no.”
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven

Paying Back

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Two lawyers are in a bank when a robber runs in with a gun and
tells everyone to hand over their wallets. As the lawyers
comply, one reaches into his wallet and hands the other a fifty
dollar bill.
“What’s this?” he asks.
He repies, “It’s the fifty dollars I owe you.”

5 Stages of Being Drunk

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Stage 1 – SMARTThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKINGThis is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.Stage 3 – RICHThis is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.Stage 4 – BULLET PROOFYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!Stage 5 – INVISIBLEThis is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

Special Frog

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A woman goes into a pet store to buy herself a pet. The clerk
says to her “Can I help you find something miss?” “Yes” the
woman replies, “I’m looking for a pet for myself.” The man shows
her around and after looking at all the regular type pets the
woman asks “Do you have any thing special?” The clerk says,
“Well we do have a pussy eating frog for $200. “The woman is
curious and asks just how does this work, the man says “Its
easy, just lay naked on the bed next to the frog and say eat me
frog.” The woman says “Are you sure this frog eats pussy?” “Yes
I am.” the clerk answers.

The woman buys the frog and takes it home. When she gets home,
she takes off her clothes and lays on the bed next to the frog.
“Eat me.” She says to the frog. Nothing happened. Again she says
“Eat me.” And again nothing happened. Feeling ripped off she
calls and tells the clerk what happened. The clerk says, “That
can’t be, I’ll be right over.” The clerk shows up and says to
the frog, “Eat her.” And nothing happened. The clerk then says,
“Alright watch me, this is the last time I’m gonna show you how
to eat pussy!”

This is the story of

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This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

Weakest Link

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Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You
can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let’s find
out just how clever you really are. Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?

Answer:
If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for
the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are…?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

You’re not very good at this are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT
use paper and pencil or
a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
Scroll down for answer..

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe
it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question
right?

Mary’s father has five daughters:
1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary.
Read the question again.

You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!!!!!! Good-bye!!!

God Damn!

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Johnny is sitting in class and blurts out “God damn!” The teacher replied
in a shocking look and says, “Johnny!”

Five minutes later he again blurts out, “God damn!” The teacher again
says, “Johnny!”

Five minutes later Johnny says, “God damn!” The teacher says, “Johnny out
in the hall, now!” The teacher looks at Johnny and says, “Johnny, what’s
your problem?” Johnny starts out saying, “On the way to school the other
day I saw two horses fucking.” The teacher say, “Well Johnny, horses have
to reproduce just like humans.” Johnny say, “I know, but I kept walking
and saw two cows fucking.” The teacher again says, “Cows have to reproduce
just like humans.” Then Johnny says, “I know, but I kept walking and saw
two rabbits fucking.” The teacher again says, “Rabbits have to reproduce
just like humans.” Johnny says, “I know, but I was thinking if I was hung
like a horse, balls like a bull, and fuck like a jack rabbit.” The teacher
says, “God damn!”

New Element — WO

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Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.