Author: admin

Changing Times

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A sales representative from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, “Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread….’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….’ then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”

The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread….’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….”

Again the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread….’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….'” and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

“The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”

“The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!”

The Forrest Gump Connection!

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Forrest Gump – Life is like a Box of chocolates…
Forrest Dahmer – People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
Forrest (Homer)Simpson – Mmmmm, chocolate
Forrest the Hun – Chocolate all mine!
Forrest Simmons – Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
Forrest Rivera – People who like Chocolate..Next on ‘Forrest’
Forrest Shakespeare – Chocolate, or no chocolate that’s the question
Forrest Of Borg – All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley – Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen – I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClaine – I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Ventura – Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then…
Forrest Lauper – People just wanna have chocolate
Forrest Turner – What’s chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
Forrest Bones – D*@!* Jim, I’m a Dr., not a box of chocolate
Forrest Spock – Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
Forrest Scotty – The box, she’s breaking apart Capt’n
Forrest Butler – Frankly Scarlett, I don’t like chocolate
Forrest O’Hara – Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
Forrest Lee – Fight with your inner chocolate
Forrest Clinton – I didn’t inhale the cream centers
Forrest Davidson – I will inhale the cream filled centers
Forrest Doo – Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
Forrest Marx – That’s the weirdest box of chocolates I’ve ever seen.
Forrest Nicholson – You want chocolate, you can’t handle chocolate
Forrest Copperfield – Poof, the chocolates are gone!
Forrest Noah – 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter
Forrest on phonics – Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets
Forrest PsychicLine – Yes, I knew you were a chocolate
Forrest Alimony – The Box is mine!
Forrest Andrews – The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates
Forrest Costello – Who’s eating chocolate?
Forrest Abbott – No, who is not eating chocolate
Forrest Vader – Luke, I am your chocolate
Forrest Yoda – There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

Airline captain

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An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her
first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight
attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he
noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the
hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone,
crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your
room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three doors
in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a
sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

3 Hymns

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The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that
the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to
consider donating a little more than usual into the offering
plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick
out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000
bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared
his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally
thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the
front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her
to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over
the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the
church and said, “I’ll take him, him and him.”

The long line

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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”

“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I’m a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?”