Few sandwiches short of a picnic
Author: admin
Bear….Shits Self
A fellow was telling a couple his friends about the tragedy that befell him while scouting the woods that weekend prior to opening of deer season. “I was goin’ through the woods”, he said, “when, turning behind a big tree, I came face to face with a huge grizzly.”…..”Wow!”, said one of the friends, “that must’ve been really scarey”. …”Yeah”, said the man telling the story, “The grizzly reared up like this” (man stands up, raises both hands in front…with hands clawed), “and goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Man, I just shit all over myself”!!”….”Well, hell”, says one of the buddies, “I’d shit all over myself, too, if a bear did that to me.”……”No, no,” said the teller, I didn’t mean, then…..I meant, just now…when I reared up and screamed GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR”!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ice cream soda!Ice
Knock KnockWho’s there?Ice cream soda!Ice cream soda who?Ice cream soda whole world will know what a nut you are!
The kind lawyer!
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when
he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and
he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too
kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”
To mama so stupid
yo ama so stupid she went to the super bowl and took a spoon
Proof Positive That Jesus Was…
“The Three Proofs”
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Jewish
1 – He went into his father’s business.
2 – He lived at home until the age of 33.
3 – He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother sure he was God.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Irish
1 – He never got married.
2 – He never held a steady job.
3 – His last request was a drink.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Italian
1 – He talked with his hands.
2 – He had wine with every meal.
3 – He worked in the building trades.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Black
1 – He called everybody brother.
2 – He held no permanent address.
3 – Nobody would hire him.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Californian
1 – He never cut his hair.
2 – He walked around barefoot.
3 – He invented a new religion.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Puerto Rican
1 – His first name was Jesus.
2 – He was always in trouble with the law.
3 – His mother did not know who his father was.
2 Plus 2
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?”
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”
What’s the mating call of the blonde?…
What’s the mating call of the blonde?
“I’m sooo drunk!”
What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
(Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”
Mexican Bandit
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”
Wrong Hole!
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling “Gama Su!, Gama Su!”. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, “Gama Su! Gama Su!”
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked “Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?”
Little Girl’s Questions
A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother
“How old are you?”
Mommy says “Honey, women don’t talk about their age, you’ll learn later on in life.”
The girl then asks, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Mommy says, That’s another thing women don’t talk about, you’ll find out when you are grown up.”
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
Mommy says, “Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s drivers license. It’s just like a report card, it tells you everything.”
The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, “Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.” Her mommy is very shocked! She asks “Sweetheart how did you do that?”
The girl shrugs and says, “I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.” The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, “Where did you learn that?”
The little girl says, “I just know, that’s all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex!”
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form…democracy.