A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?””Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied.”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?””I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!”
Author: admin
DIARY OF A DEER HUNTER
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don’t know where camp is.
NOON : Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets—eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp — see deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that’s plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into
small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.
The smile test
A noted therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their
encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the
line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the
therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line,
who is grinning from ear to ear.
“Twice a day,” the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
“Once a day, then?” Again the answer is no. “Twice a week?” “No.” “Twice a
month?” “No.” The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to “once a year”.
The therapist is angry that his theory isn’t working, and asks the man, “What
the heck are you so happy about?”
The man answers, “Tonight’s the night!”
Uno comienza a ponerse viejo
Uno comienza a ponerse viejo cuando…
DE LA VIDA EN PAREJA:
– Tus amigos se casan sin estar apurados.
– Te empiezan a invitar a los primeros bautizos.
– Siendo hombre, por fin eres capaz de decirle que no a una mujer, y sin remordimientos.
– Siendo mujer, por fin eres capaz de decirle que s� a un hombre, y sin remordimientos.
DE LAS ACTIVIDADES F�SICAS:
– Siendo mujer, para hacer deporte compras ropa que tape en vez que muestre.
– Haces deporte y orgulloso le cuentas a todo el mundo que has hecho deporte.
– Ves los partidos por tele en vez de ir a gritar al estadio.
– Te das cuenta de que, aunque quisieras, ya no podr�as ser rockero ni futbolista (p. ej. E. Pariona).
DE LOS AMIGOTES Y LAS COSTUMBRES:
– Vuelves a llevar regalos a los cumplea�os (igual que cuando eras chico).
– Cada vez que te juntas con tus amigos, lo �nico que hacen es hablar de Ultra 7, Meteoro, Sombrita, Mr. Magoo, Los 3 Chiflados (Who are they?).
– El valor del d�lar puede llegar a ser una noticia.
– La virginidad hace tiempo que ya no es tema de conversaci�n.
– No puedes vivir sin tu agenda.
– Comienzas a pensar, para tu asombro, que el sexo est� sobrevalorado.
DE LA RELACI�N CON LOS NI�OS:
– Los ni�os, con los que hace poco ten�as cierta complicidad, ahora te dicen ‘se�or’, te tratan de usted o peor a�n, te dicen ‘t�o’.
– Est�s esperando un beb� y ‘est� bien’ y nadie te va a retar por ello.
– Tus sobrinos saben m�s que t� de computaci�n.
– Tus primos chicos te piden cigarros.
ASPECTOS VARIOS:
– Ya sabes lo que quieres.
– T� mismo cuelgas la toalla despu�s de ducharte.
– Vas a la playa y puedes pasar todo el d�a sin ba�arte.
– Eres mujer y ya no quieres ponerte los calcetines que tienen estampado al rat�n Mickey.
– Necesitas mucho m�s tiempo que una ma�ana para recuperarte de una noche.
– Un dolor de pecho ya no es evaluado como un simple resfr�o sino como un posible infarto.
– Tienes canas en la barba.
– Hay remedios en el velador.
– En los ascensores o en los supermercados ya suenan, en versiones orquestadas, canciones de Queen, etc., es decir, la m�sica que t� bailabas en las fiestas de 15.
�QUI�N DIJO YO?
Muslim strip club
Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?
‘Get your face out for the boys…’
Five out of four people
Five out of four people are schizophrenic.
Clinton one-liner
Voter: “The joke’s over, bring back Bush.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Dwayne!Dwayne who?Dwayne in
Knock KnockWho’s there?Dwayne!Dwayne who?Dwayne in Spain falls mainly on the plain…!
A quote on marriage
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Door to door Evangelism
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result — the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
George Bush visits a school.
Wondering how his popularity was among the children, the American president,
George Bush visits a school. After explaining a little bit of the governmental
platform, he asks the kids if they had any questions.
Bob raises his hand and says:
I have 3 questions for you…
1) How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less votes?
2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons?
3) Don’t you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of terrorism in
the world’s history?
At this very moment the bell rings and all the kids run out of the classroom.
After the break, Bush tells the kids to feel free to ask him more questions
and this time Joey raises his hand and says: I have 5 questions for you…
1) How did you manage to win in the elections, even though you had less votes?
2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons?
3) Don’t you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of terrorism in
the world’s history?
4) Why did the bell sound 20 minutes earlier today?
5) Where’s Bob?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!