Q: How do married women rate their husbands in bed?
A: A good lover falls asleep immediately after sex, a mediocre lover falls
asleep during, and a ad lover falls asleep before sex and wakes up 30 minutes
later and asks if she had an orgasm.
Author: admin
Why Aren’t You Married Yet?
The following are comebacks to that annoying question “Why Aren’t You Married Yet?”
You haven’t asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren’t you thin?
I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Sucks
Q. WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WIFE AND A JOB?
A. AFTER TEN YEARS A JOB STILL SUCKS!
Phone call
a mexican is caught jumping the boarder so the guy says ill be easy on if you can make a sentence using these words you can go free green yellow pink so the mexican says green green green I pink up the phone and say yellow!!!
The pregnant nurse
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
“But, how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.
“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a post card and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office. “Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”
“Just wait till I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card, which said: “SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT: TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!”
Email Like Penis
WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS
Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself “Why on earth did I do that?”
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
corporate mergers
A few suggestions for corporate mergers: – PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Keebler, to be called Poly-Warner-Cracker – Yahoo and Netscape-to be called Net’nYahoo – 3M and Good year, to be called MMM-Good – Knotts Berry Farm and National Organization for Women-to be called Knott NOW – Federal Express and UPS, to be called FED UP- Xerox and Wurlitzer: They’re going to make reproductive organs.- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.- John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I’m Home- Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine- 3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera- Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da- Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Porridge
Thick oatmeal. Rarely found on American tables as
children now have the right to sue their parents.
The name is an amalgamation of the words “putrid”,
“horrid” and “sludge”.
Do you know who I am?
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. “Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.”No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.” The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?” “No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. “Do you know who I am?” the student asked again in a louder voice. “No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority. “Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
OJ in West Virginia
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
The farmer’s son
An poor old farmer was on his deathbed when he called his
three teenage sons into his room. He beckoned them to come
close.
“Sons,” he said in hardly a whisper, “I am very old; I am
about to die. You know that we are certainly not rich. I have
very little to will to you, only the land we are living on. But
here’s the problem: I can only leave it to one of you.”
The three sons looked at each other.
“So,” the farmer continued, “I have decided on a course of
action. Each of you will take one of the three identical ducks
that hatched last year. You will go to market and sell the
duck, and come back here. Whoever sells their duck for the most
money gets the property.”
So the three sons go to the barnyard and each picks up a
duck. Then they all walk down to market, where they split up,
in search of a buyer.
The first, youngest son goes to the butcher and sells his
duck for ten dollars.
The middle son sells his duck to the pillowmaker for twenty
dollars.
The oldest, 19 year old son, Andrew, is walking down the
street, musing about where to best sell his duck. Suddenly he
sees an absolutely gorgeous 18 year old girl in a daring, very
short dress. He is mesmerized by her swaying, tantalizing hips
and full, almost completely exposed breasts. He crosses the
street and confronts her.
“Oh, what an adorable pet!” she cries, stroking the duck.
“I’m selling it,” Andrew exclaims to her cleavage. The girl
doesn’t notice this, she is petting the duck.
“I would love to buy it,” she says wistfully, “but I don’t
have any money.” Suddenly she stands up, flipping her long,
golden locks over her shoulder invitingly. “Unless, of course,
you would be willing to accept some other form of payment.” She
steps very close to Andrew, who was quite good-looking himself.
“Sure,” Andrew squeaks, and together they walk to the motel.
After nearly an hour of physical bliss and multiple spasms,
Andrew lay exhausted on the bed. The girl turned to him and
tried to start up again, but the son held up a hand and panted,
“Sorry, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can’t take
any more. I am spent!”
The girl looked stricken and cried, “Oh, no, please, just
one more time! You are incredible!” Her voice had a seductive
hunger in it that made Andrew want to go over it again, but he
knew his penis could not take any more for a while. So he got
up and, shaking, dressed. As he closed the motel room door, he
glanced at the girl, still lying sensuously on the bed.
Leaving the motel, he suddenly realized, “I’m supposed to be
selling that duck for money! I need that duck to get the farm!”
So Andrew dashed into the motel and headed up the stairs to
the room he had just left. He burst through the door, just as
the girl got up off the bed. She stood there, the very
goddess-like image of femininity, and he was very glad to do
what he had to do.
“Will you give me the duck back if we do it again?”
In response, the girl attacked him like a lioness, tearing
off his clothes and pulling him forcefully down onto the bed.
It was heaven all over again, and he stayed there for over an
hour this time, thrusting his manhood into her pussy over and
over again, the whole time feeling her all over and kissing her.
By the time they finished, Andrew wasn’t sure if he would ever
be able to use his penis again. Glancing at the shaking,
sweating girl, he knew he would, but not for a while. So he got
up for good this time, and the girl did not ask him to stay.
She couldn’t speak.
When he was dressed, he took the duck and walked outside
into the sunlight. Just as he was crossing the road, the duck
flapped out of his arms and was hit by a bus. The bus driver
stopped and got out.
“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry!” he said. “I will pay you for
that duck. Let me see…” he reached into his pocket and
brought out some money. He counted it. “Will twenty-eight
dollars be enough?”
“I guess so,” said Andrew, and took the money and went home.
He was the last one to arrive, not surprisingly. Finally he
entered the room where his father and two younger sons were
waiting.
“Well,” said the father, “Timmy has sold his duck for ten
dollars, and Greg for twenty dollars. How about you?”
“Well, father:
I got a fuck for a duck,
And a duck for a fuck,
And twenty-eight dollars
for a fucked-up duck!”
Why did the…
Q. Why did the male sheep fall off the cliff?
A. He didn’t see the Ewe turn!