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La mujer de Bonifacio est� leyendo el peri�dico. Una noticia le impresiona y le comenta al marido:
“Escucha esta noticia: Un hombre se enamor� de una mujer de d�a; se cas� en la noche y la mat� en la ma�ana siguiente”.
“Es que por la ma�ana la mente humana siempre est� m�s clara…”
Q: What kind of dog does a Dracula like?
A: A Bloodhound.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive
her husband’s sex drive. “How about trying Viagra?” suggests the
doctor. “Not a chance,” she replies. “He won’t even take an
aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop
it into his coffee and he won’t even taste it. Try it and come
back in a week to let me know how things have worked out.”
A week later, the elderly woman returned to the doctor. “Well,
how did things go?” he asked. “Oh, it was terrible, just
terrible, doctor.” “Really? What happened?” he asked. “Well, I
did as you suggested and slipped it in his coffee. The effect
was immediate. He jumped straight up and swept the cutlery off
the table. Then, he ripped my clothes off and made passionate
love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”
“What was terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not so
good?” “Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25
years, but I’ll never be able to show my face at Burger King
again.”
12. “Beverly Hills 90210.2” — Bill is scammed out of his billions by a midriff baring vixen, only to have the money restored by Dylan, who somehow accomplishes this on a laptop while hanging around at the Peach Pit.
11. “Ally McBill” — When Bill makes fun of the new attorney’s micro-miniskirts, she kicks his ass. Janet Reno guest stars.
10. “The Brady Bunch” — Marsha doesn’t think her new boyfriend, Bill, is so groovy after he puts Bobby and Cindy’s lemonade stand out of business.
9. “One’s Company” — Deciding that less company is best for him, zany Bill forces all his co-stars into early retirement.
8. “Petticoat Junction” — The 3 girls from Hooterville make plans to seduce the new computer guru in town but change their minds when they hear the words “micro” and “soft.”
7. “That 70’s Show” — When Bill gets his first summer job programming in COBOL, Y2K hilarity ensues.
6. “Mork & Mindy” — Mork’s dweeby cousin, Dork from Ork, visits Earth.
5. “Love Boat” — The crew watches in horror as Captain Bill refuses to yield right-of-way to the oncoming supertanker USS Justice Department.
4. “Everybody Loves Bill” — Bill begins to suspect that people love him for his money. Guest stars: Anne Nicole Smith, Carmen Electra, and the guy who married Martha Raye
3. “I Dream of Billy” — Major Gates discovers a genie in a bottle who offers him the world; he refuses, saying, “I already own it!”
2. “Billigan’s Island” — Billigan builds a machine which is sure to get the castaways off the island — but it keeps crashing!
1. “Family Matters” — Urkel imagines what his adult life would be like if he had been born Caucasian.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]One day there were three men(a red, a brunette, and a blonde
head) They were traveling on buisness when there plane crashed.
All they could see was a farm house. They all went up to the
farmer and asked if they could stay at his house. The farmer
replied, “only if you can stick 100 of any fruit up your ass.”
So they agreed. The first man, the red head, went first. He went
for the blueberries because they were the smallest.
“Remember” ,said the farmer, “You have to do it silently. No
crying, laughing, or talking.”
The red head got 50 Blueberries in his asshole but started
to cry. The farmer shot him because he didn’t want the man
hanging around.
The same routine happened agian, but, this time the brown
head went for the next smallest fruit, strawberries. He got 99 n
but started to laugh. The farmer shot him.
In heaven the red head asked th other man,” you had 99.
Why’d ya laugh?”
“I saw the blonde guy go for the watermelons”,said the brown
head.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…
10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.)
6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)
5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.)
2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let’s be friends. (You’re sinfully ugly.)
Quality assurance doesn’t.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.”Excuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.”What was that all about?””Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway
through, the little girl tells her mother she’s going to be sick. Her mother
tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back
after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
”Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way ’round the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.”’
-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
-Your job is interfering with your drinking.
-Youre doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-Career won’t progress beyond the court.
-You sincerely believe alcohol to be to elusive 5th food group.
-Two hands and just one mouth – becoming a huge problem.
-You can focus better with one eye closed.
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
-You fall off the floor…
-Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger! Screw dinner!
– At AA meetings you begin with: “Hi, my name is …uh …”.
-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
– You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmm
– Roseanne looks good.
– That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.