A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: “WANTED. Husband that won’t beat me or kick me. “Good sex a must.” A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband. “Well, you don’t have any arms.” she notices. “I can’t beat you then, can I?” he replies. “And you don’t have any legs!” “SO! That only means I can’t kick you.” She pauses for a moment and then asks, “Well what about the sex?” He answers confidently,”How do you think I knocked on the door.”
Author: admin
Ode to beer
‘You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.’ – Frank Zappa.’Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.’ – Ernest Hemingway.’Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.’ – Winston Churchill.’He was a wise man who invented beer.’ – Plato.’Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.’ – Catherine Zondonella.’A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.’ – W. C. Fields.’Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.’ – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. ‘Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.’ – Churchill’s reply.’Sir, you’re drunk!’ – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. ‘Yes madam, and you’re ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.’ – Churchill’s reply.’If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.’ – David Daye.’When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’ – Henny Youngman.’Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’ – Benjamin Franklin.’If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.’ – Jack Handy.’Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.’ – Dave Barry.’The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.’ – Humphrey Bogart.’Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.’ – David Moulton.’People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.’ – Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.’Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.’ – Kaiser Wilhelm.’I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.’ – Homer Simpson.’Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.’ – Unknown’I drink to make other people interesting.’ – George Jean Nathan.’They who drink beer will think beer.’ – Washington Irving.’An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.’ – Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.’You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.’ – Dean Martin.’All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.’ – Homer Simpson.
The Farmer
Midget worked for a farmer all his life so the farmer said to him one day, “you have been working for me all your life so pick any where in the world to go and I will send you tommorow.”
So the midget said ” I wanna go to New York city”
The very next day the midget wass walking up the streets of New York looking up at all the tall people. He noticed a big glass thing going up the side of a building. He thought I wanna ride on that. So three storys up a big black guy got on the elevator. He looked up and said ” You must be the biggest blackest niga I ever seen.
The guy said ” Yup, I have a 6 foot dick 6 inches wide and my name is Turner Brown.”
The midget fainted. The black guy Was shaking him saying ” Whats wrong with you man.”
The midget said ” Can you repeat yourself?”
The black guy said ” I have a dick 6 feet long 6 inches wide and my name is Turner Brown.”
The midget said ” Phew, I thought you said Turn a round.”
Drink?
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After
the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before
him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!”
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I’m
sorry, I didn’t know there was a choice.”
Braggart
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case
of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why
don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will
bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you
got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right,
Get in.”
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend…
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.”Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.””Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said. “In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.””How did you do that?” asked Bill.”I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.””What happened?””Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.””How did you do that?””I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Dark in Here
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves the kid in the closet and shuts the door. The husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” The boy says, “I have a baseball.” Man, “That’s nice.” Boy, “Want to buy it?” Man, “No, thanks.” Boy, “My dad’s outside.” Man, “OK, how much?” Boy, “$250.” The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy, “Dark in here.” Man, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy, “$750.” Man, “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy, “$1,000” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start THAT again.”
3 Hunters
One day there were three hunters. Their names were Bob, Zach,
and Jason. One day Jason went out and came back with a huge
deer. Zach and Bob were amazed and said,” How did you do that?”
Jason answered, “I followed the tracks, caught the deer with a
rope, killed the deer with a knife, and brought it back.”
The next day Zach went out and got an even bigger deer than
Jason’s! Jason and Bob were amazed and said,”How did you do
that?” Zach answered,”I followed the tracks, caught the deer
with a rope, killed the deer with a knife, and brought it back.”
The next day Bob tried to catch an even better deer than Zach’s.
Later that day, a guy named Ed came and said,”Bob died.” Zach
and Jason asked,”How?” “Well according to the witnesses it’s a
very strange story. Bob was following the train tracks. When he
saw some people and shouted,’has anyone seen a deer!’ Then a
train came and he threw a rope on it. The rope tied to a wheel.
Next Bob tried to cut the train open with a knife and BOOM! He’s
dead.
Un se�or que sufr�a de
Un se�or que sufr�a de hirsutismo (demasiado pelo en el cuerpo) acude al doctor. Este le pregunta: “D�game se�or, �En qu� le puedo ayudar?”
El se�or se quita la camisa y le muestra los brazos y el pecho dici�ndole lloriqueando:
“Mire doctor, pelo, pelo.”
Se quita los pantalones y mostrando las piernas le dice llorando:
“Pelo, doctor, pelo. D�game �Qu� padezco?”
El doctor muy emocionado, con l�grimas le dice al paciente:
“Padece usted un osito de peduche.”
The great rabbit escape!
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought.
It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.
“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”
This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
“There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, “he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.”
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
“That was fantastic,” he panted.
“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette!”
When they want it bad
When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
Deer Hunting with his Wife
After years of listening to her plead, a hunter finally decided to let his
wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods and left her in a blind
with instructions on what to do when a deer came within range.
He had no sooner arrived at his own blind than he heard a shot coming from his
wife’s direction. The first shot was quickly followed by several more. He
immediately ran back to see what had happened, only to find a man standing in
front of his wife with his hands up shouting, “OK lady, it’s your deer! Just let
me take the saddle off!”