There were three girls — a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They each were asked what one thing would they bring to the desert. The brunette said I would bring food in case I got hungry. The redhead said, “I would bring water in case I got thirsty.” and the blonde haired girl said, “I would bring a car door, in case it got hot I could roll down the window!”
Author: admin
A Scotsman is sitting at
A Scotsman is sitting at the bar with his pint of beer, when a fly
suddenly lands in the glass.
The Scot yanks the fly out of the beer, grabs it by the throat, and
yells: “Damn you! Spit that back out!”
Lawyers
A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.
The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week.”
The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.
The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor.
The receptionist says, “Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died.”
The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.
The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer.
The receptionist gets angry and says “Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?”
The man then answers “I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office.”
bunch of Insults
How do you kill all the mexicans in the world?
Bomb a swap meet.
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Why do all the mexicans go to a funeral?
For the free food.
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What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
A mudslide.
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Why are black people afraid of motocycles?
Because they sound like they’re saying, “Run niga niga niga, run niga niga niga…”
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what do you call a bunch of white people in the middle of a larger group of black people?
A Ho-Ho.
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What do you call a bunch of white people in a yellow bus?
A twinkie.
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How do white people get away with breaking the law?
They say “Sorry officer. I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.”
How do u kill a blonde
how do u kill a blonde?
put a scrathc and sniff sticker at the botton of a pool
If Coke was like Microsoft
After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn’t pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I’d like a Big Mac.Cashier: Okay, here’s your Big Mac and here’s your Coke. That’ll be $3.99.Joe: Uh, I don’t want a Coke.Cashier: Sorry, they’re bundled.Joe: What? I’m not paying for a Coke!Cashier: You don’t; the Coke is free.Joe: But wasn’t a Big Mac $2.49 last week?Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It’s got integrated Coke!Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street… I’m not going to drink the Coke.Cashier: Then you can’t have the burger.Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.Cashier: Oh, you can’t do that. They’re seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.Joe: How can that be? They’re two totally separate things!Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?Joe: Why did you just do that?!Cashier: It’s a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you’d end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you’re assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.Joe: Aaarrgh!
Nerdz
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.”You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?” ”I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.” ”Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.”Why did you do that?” ”Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. ”What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.”Well, sure,” says the patrolman. ”But you can’t bait ’em.”
Drinking Signs
Signs That You’re A Heavy Drinker
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Convenience, or Coincidence?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT’S a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor.
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, so forget dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. I’m not drunk – you’re just sober!!
14. You don’t recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
15. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
16. You’ve fallen and can’t get up!
yo mam soooooo fat
Yo mama is soooooooooo fat that
when she hits her thigh it makes a HUGE
wave.
You’re So Ugly
You’re so ugly, your dog has to close its eyes when it humps your leg!
Pick Up Line Rejections!
1. Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”
2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: “Want to Dance?”
Woman: “No, thank you.”
Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God somebody asked you.”
3. Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”
4.Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “Female impersonator.”
5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
6. After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: “I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.”
7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, “Where have you been all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.”
8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at!?”
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”
9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their “passes” had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once…
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!” She responded, “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”
10. “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”
11. Man: “Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.”
Woman: ” You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can’t cash.”
Blond Giving Birth
there is a blond giving birth and the head comes out black
so the doctor says”mam have u been haveing sex with a black
man?”and the blond replays”yes, but only once” “whell once is
all it takes”says the doctor and then the body comes out yellow
so the doctor says”mam have u benn haveing sex with an asian
man?” “yes butonly once” replys the blond again “well once is
all its takes” says the doctor and then the legs come out red so
once again the doctor askes “mam have u been haveing sex with an
indian man?” so once again the blond replys “yes but only once”
so the doctor says “well once is all it takes” so the doctor
cuts the ambilcal cord holds the multie color baby up and spanks
it and it starts to cry so the blond says “whew thank god it
dosn’t bark!”.