The 2000 Darwin awards!(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
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The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash
The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister’s window. Wait. 15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you. 14> The ‘Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts’ from worthless stock certificates. 13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait. 11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you’ve been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police. 10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner 9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics. 8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he’s a weenie *and* his stocks tanked. 7> Hold a ‘Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez’ meeting at your Miami apartment. 6> Tie yourself to Marv Albert’s career. 5> Jump from the top of Janet Reno. 4> Urinate into the Times Square electronic stock ticker. 3> Sneak up quietly behind a bear, carefully place both hands on its rear haunches, and attempt to get some eye-for-an-eye revenge, if you know what I mean. 2> 1)Chair; 2)Chains; 3)Eyelid props; 4)The Jenny McCarthy Show. and the Number 1 Way to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash… 1> Ponder the fact that Gates the Geek won’t even miss the $1.75 *billion* he lost today, until your head implodes.
Cop and light bulb
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he’s never around when you need him.
Shizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
go up to Kyle Orr and ask if he ate wood.
he would say maybe???
Why do black people hate
Why do black people hate aspirin?
- They’re white.
- They work.
- And you have to pick cotton to get to them.
Blonde joke
How many blonde jokes are there?
None, there all true!
JOBS WORSE THAN YOURS
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness,
requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally,
so a pharmacologist developed an anal suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good
folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication
takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and
one person who wears a full-arm glove.
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.
Now stop complaining and get back to work!
A Blonde’s Dream
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said “Pull”
Tickle-Me-Elmo
A woman, desperate for work, applies for a job. The manager goes over her impressive resume but explains that they have nothing worthy of her background. The distraught woman pleads she will take anything. The manager is sympathetic. She is offered a low-skilled job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo assembly line. Her duties are explained and she is to start the next day. Not even an hour into her first day on the job, there’s a frantic knock on the manager’s door. The foreman is crazed and drags the manager to the assembly line. Sure enough, things are a royal mess. Elmos are piling up everywhere. At the end of the line is the new worker. She has a bolt of fabric and a large box of marbles. They are both stunned. They watch as she fashions a small bag, inserts two marbles and sews it between Elmo’s legs. Eventually the manager understands what has happened. “Dear woman you misunderstood me yesterday. I just want you to give each Elmo two test tickles.”
SANDWITCH
A guy in his final year at the secondary school, one day decided to bring his girlfriend home. But the unfortunate thing is that he shares a room with his younger brother who is just 9 yrs old. This guy brought the girl home one night, and luckly for him his brother as sleeping on the down bed, so they had to climb up to the top bed. And guess what? Things started to heat up, then the boy remembered that his brother is sleeping down, so he told the girl to say ‘tomatoes when its to hard for her and lettuce when she wants to change position, and this is hat happened. ‘tomatoes’ ‘lettuce’ ‘tomatoes’ ‘lettuce’ This went on for sometime , then all of a sudden the boy’s brother who was sleeping down there shoutered ”will you guys stop making sandwitches up there, you are getting mayonaise all over my face.
A rather twisted version of Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and dropped his fly and said, “Do ya wanna?” Jill said yes and dropped her dress and then they had some fun, but Jack forgot his condom, and now they have a son.
Ponderables
- A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
- George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
- Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
- Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
- A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
- A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
- 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
- On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
- John Wilkes Booth’s brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln’s son.
- Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
- Most lipstick contains fish scales.
- Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
- Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
- Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
- Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves.
- Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.
- An elephant can smell water three miles away.
- Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
- Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings.
- Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
- A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
- Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton. Before the 1950’s it was made from hemp-the stem and leaves of a marijuana plant.