2 aliens was sitting In a bar.Then the one whent “shabagoemdallada” and the uther one goes “shut up BOB your drunk!!”
Author: admin
I Believe
The Washington Post february 4, 1988 I BelieveThis is more commentary than humor, but what the heck…————————————I believe the president. I have always believed him. I believed him when he said he had never been drafted in the Vietnam War and I believed him when he said he had forgotten to mention that he had been drafted in the Vietnam War. I believed him when he said he hadn’t had sex with Gennifer Flowers and I believe him now, when he reportedly says he did.I believe the president did not rent out the Lincoln Bedroom, did not sell access to himself and the vice president to hundreds of well-heeled special pleaders and did not supervise the largest, most systematic money-laundering operation in campaign finance history, collecting more than $ 3 million in illegal and improper donations. I believe that Charlie Trie and James Riady were motivated by nothing but patriotism for their adopted country.I believed Vice President Gore when he said that he had made dunning calls to political contributors ‘on a few occasions’ from his White House office, and I believed when he said that, actually, ‘a few’ meant 46. I believe in no controlling legal authority.I believe Bruce Babbitt when he says that the $ 286,000 contributed the DNC by Indian tribes opposed to granting a casino license to rival tribes had nothing to do with his denial of the license. I believed the secretary when he said that he had not been instructed this matter by then-White House deputy chief of staff Harold Ickes. I believed him when he said that he had told lobbyist and friend Paul Eckstein that Ickes had told him to move on the casino decision, but that he had been lying to Eckstein. I agree with the secretary that it is an outrage that anyone would question his integrity. I believe in the Clinton Standard of adherence to the campaign finance and bribery laws, enunciated by the president on March 7, 1997: ‘I don’t believe you can find any evidence of the fact that I had changed government policy solely because of a contribution.’ I note with approval the use of the word ‘evidence’ and also the use of the word ‘solely.’ I believe that it is proper to change government policy to address the concerns of people who have given the president money, as long as nobody can find evidence of this being the sole reason. I believe the president has lived up to his promise to preside over the most ethical administration in American history. I believe that indicted former agriculture secretary Mike Espy did not accept $35,000 in illegal favors from Tyson Foods and other regulated businesses. I believe that indicted former housing secretary Henry Cisneros did not lie to the FBI and tell others to lie to cover up $ 250,000 in blackmail payments to his former mistress. I believe that convicted former associate attorney general Webster Hubbell was not involved in the obstruction of justice when the president’s minions arranged for Hubbell to receive $ 400,000 in sweetheart consulting deals at a time when he was reneging on his promise to cooperate with Kenneth Starr’s Whitewater investigation. I believe Paula Jones is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Kathleen Willey is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Monica Lewinsky is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Lewinsky was fantasizing in her 20 hours of conversation in which she reportedly detailed her sexual relationship with the president and begged Linda Tripp to join her in lying about the relationship. I believe that any gifts, correspondence, telephone calls and the 37 post-employment White House visits that may have passed between Lewinsky and the president are evidence only of a platonic relationship; such innocent intimate friendships are quite common between middle-aged married men and young single women, and also between presidents of the United States and White House interns. I see nothing suspicious in the report that the president’s intimate, Vernon Jordan, arranged a $ 40,000-per-year job for Lewinsky shortly after she signed but before she filed an affidavit saying she had not had sex with the president. Nor do I read anything into the fact that the ambassador to the United Nations, Bill Richardson, visited Lewinsky at the Watergate to offer her a job. I believe the instructions Lewinsky gave Tripp informing her on how to properly perjure herself in the Willey matter simply wrote themselves.I believe that The Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, U.S. News & World Report, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, PBS and NPR are all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy. Especially NPR.
Mark Bookspan
One time, Mark Bookspan was calculating his finances and he screwed it all up.
Jaimito va al comedor donde
Jaimito va al comedor donde sus padres est�n charlando con una visita y dice gritando:
“�Mam�, quiero hacer caca!”
La madre, apenad�sima, se lo lleva al cuarto de ba�o y le dice: “Mira, Jaimito, la pr�xima vez que quieras hacer caca, di que quieres silbar, de acuerdo?”
“S�, mam�…”
Esa misma noche, Jaimito se levanta y va al dormitorio de sus padres, que est�n dormidos.
Tras achuchar un poco a la madre, le dice: “Mam�, mama�, que quiero silbar…”
Y la madre, todav�a sin despertarse del todo, le contesta:
“Bueno, pues s�lbale a tu padre en la oreja…”
Warning Signs
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place”
- On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
- On a package of Fisherman’s Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as a substitute for human companionship.
- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
- On a cup of McDonald’s coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
- On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
- On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
- On children’s alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
Revenge
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just down right made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had, what looked like, small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bus bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken’s hand and asked “What’s in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?”
“Well, they’re smart pills.”
“Smart pills?” the bully asked. They opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. “Pweeuuweppblahhh!!” he reacted.
“What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!”
“See, you’re getting smarter already.”
Creative Answering Machine Messages
You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we’ll get back you-know-when.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we’ll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.
HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it…I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Hi, I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
“Hi. Now you say something.”
“Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.”
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Hi! Jan’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.
I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.
Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
Hi. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
This is Dan Cassidy’s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I’ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hello, this is Susan. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I won’t.
Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I’ll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
I don’t exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I’ll call you back when I am…
HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to… I mean, do FOR you.
A bribe for your professor
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
Paying for drinks
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $4. ”But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer. ”Okay,” says the bartender, ”if you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, ”If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.” Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, ”You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.” ”Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. ”Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”
Speaking perfect english.
The chieftain of a remote village flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.
The chief made a series of weird noises – “screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z” – and then added in perfect English, “Yes, I had a very nice flight.”
Another reporter asked, “Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you’re in the area?”
The chief made the same noises -“screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z” – and then said, “Yes , and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building.”
“Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?” asked the next reporter.
The chief replied, “Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z – from the shortwave radio.”
What's wrong wit
A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “Okay,” said the man.”Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Like GST
Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now
in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G. S. T.