3 Rhymes

There is a class of students waiting for the bell to ring on the
last day of school. They perster thier teacher for them to leave
early… but she denies the request. Finally after much pleading
the teacher decides and says, “If you can give me 3 rhymes I
will let you go home.”

The first kid puts up his hand and says,
“Hi my name is Stan,
and I want to go to Japan
in my dads van
if I can
sometime maybe.”

The teachers applauds and says, “Very well.”

The next kid puts up his hand,
“Hi my name is Dan,
and I want to go to Japan
with Stan
but in my own dad’s van
if I can
sometime maybe.”

The teacher smiles and says that was very clever.

A girl puts her hand up and says,
“Hi my name is Aimee,
and I want to have a baby
if I can
sometime maybe.”

The teacher smiles and says, “Very well you can leave.” But the
class bully is upset he hasnt had a go, and the teacher decides
to let him have his say.

“Hi my name is Buck
and I don’t give a fuck
about Stan or Dan
going to Japan.
And as for Aimee
I am gonna give her the baby
and there’s no fucking maybe.”

You might be a redneck

You’re a redneck if… -You have more fingers than you do teeth -You cut your grass and find a car -You consider Denny’s a Fancy Resturant -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors -Your age is higher than your I.Q. -Your favorite pickup line is “Does this look infected to you?”-You ask your wife weather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies “Its a gummy bear.”-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. -You say “Watch this” everytime before you goto the hospital. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

Retired Engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
A few years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They
had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

The farmer’s son

An poor old farmer was on his deathbed when he called his
three teenage sons into his room. He beckoned them to come
close.
“Sons,” he said in hardly a whisper, “I am very old; I am
about to die. You know that we are certainly not rich. I have
very little to will to you, only the land we are living on. But
here’s the problem: I can only leave it to one of you.”
The three sons looked at each other.
“So,” the farmer continued, “I have decided on a course of
action. Each of you will take one of the three identical ducks
that hatched last year. You will go to market and sell the
duck, and come back here. Whoever sells their duck for the most
money gets the property.”
So the three sons go to the barnyard and each picks up a
duck. Then they all walk down to market, where they split up,
in search of a buyer.
The first, youngest son goes to the butcher and sells his
duck for ten dollars.
The middle son sells his duck to the pillowmaker for twenty
dollars.
The oldest, 19 year old son, Andrew, is walking down the
street, musing about where to best sell his duck. Suddenly he
sees an absolutely gorgeous 18 year old girl in a daring, very
short dress. He is mesmerized by her swaying, tantalizing hips
and full, almost completely exposed breasts. He crosses the
street and confronts her.
“Oh, what an adorable pet!” she cries, stroking the duck.
“I’m selling it,” Andrew exclaims to her cleavage. The girl
doesn’t notice this, she is petting the duck.
“I would love to buy it,” she says wistfully, “but I don’t
have any money.” Suddenly she stands up, flipping her long,
golden locks over her shoulder invitingly. “Unless, of course,
you would be willing to accept some other form of payment.” She
steps very close to Andrew, who was quite good-looking himself.
“Sure,” Andrew squeaks, and together they walk to the motel.
After nearly an hour of physical bliss and multiple spasms,
Andrew lay exhausted on the bed. The girl turned to him and
tried to start up again, but the son held up a hand and panted,
“Sorry, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can’t take
any more. I am spent!”
The girl looked stricken and cried, “Oh, no, please, just
one more time! You are incredible!” Her voice had a seductive
hunger in it that made Andrew want to go over it again, but he
knew his penis could not take any more for a while. So he got
up and, shaking, dressed. As he closed the motel room door, he
glanced at the girl, still lying sensuously on the bed.
Leaving the motel, he suddenly realized, “I’m supposed to be
selling that duck for money! I need that duck to get the farm!”
So Andrew dashed into the motel and headed up the stairs to
the room he had just left. He burst through the door, just as
the girl got up off the bed. She stood there, the very
goddess-like image of femininity, and he was very glad to do
what he had to do.
“Will you give me the duck back if we do it again?”
In response, the girl attacked him like a lioness, tearing
off his clothes and pulling him forcefully down onto the bed.
It was heaven all over again, and he stayed there for over an
hour this time, thrusting his manhood into her pussy over and
over again, the whole time feeling her all over and kissing her.
By the time they finished, Andrew wasn’t sure if he would ever
be able to use his penis again. Glancing at the shaking,
sweating girl, he knew he would, but not for a while. So he got
up for good this time, and the girl did not ask him to stay.
She couldn’t speak.
When he was dressed, he took the duck and walked outside
into the sunlight. Just as he was crossing the road, the duck
flapped out of his arms and was hit by a bus. The bus driver
stopped and got out.
“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry!” he said. “I will pay you for
that duck. Let me see…” he reached into his pocket and
brought out some money. He counted it. “Will twenty-eight
dollars be enough?”
“I guess so,” said Andrew, and took the money and went home.
He was the last one to arrive, not surprisingly. Finally he
entered the room where his father and two younger sons were
waiting.
“Well,” said the father, “Timmy has sold his duck for ten
dollars, and Greg for twenty dollars. How about you?”
“Well, father:
I got a fuck for a duck,
And a duck for a fuck,
And twenty-eight dollars
for a fucked-up duck!”

Two nuns out walking

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what be wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical and Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical. Thank Cod you are here. Tell us what happened.

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And you thought this was a dirty joke…

The pregnant nurse

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

“But, how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.

“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a post card and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office. “Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”

“Just wait till I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied.

Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card, which said: “SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT: TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!”

Elephant Time

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly
remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his
watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.
He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. ”Excuse me sir,” says the
young man ”do you know what time it is?”

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing
with them.

”Mmmmm, it is about 3:00” the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, ”How did you know that?” The zoo keeper
looks back at the man, ”I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.”

Mars and Venus thing

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Mars and Venus thing.

And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.

I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.

She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.

And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited.

She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared.

I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet, because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”

You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis