Have you heard about the new deodorant called ‘Umpire’?
It’s for foul balls.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Author: admin
The farther away the future
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
HS Reunion and Grandmas
At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years.
Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children: “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”
Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.”
Sarah says, “No children…. and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”
Doctor's funeral
One of the city’s top cardiac specialist died. At his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup of a heart made up of red flowers.When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a very loud fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked.”This is a funeral, Buddy, why in the hell are you laughing?”Trying to hold his laughter for a moment, the man replied, “I was just thinking about my own funeral, I’m a gynecologist.”
New position
Tony Blair asks Bill Clinton what he thinks about the Northern Ireland position.
Clinton says: “Gee, I haven’t tried that one …..yet”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Blind Queer
Q: How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A: Leave the plunger in the toliet!
Irish Wedding Dance
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, ‘Silence in court!’
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
‘Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.’
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, ‘OK.’
‘Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.’
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!’
‘Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’
Twas the Night of Thanksgiving…
‘Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned — The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation……
The thought of a snack became infatuation…..
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!
I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky….
With a mouthfull of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I sored past the trees…….
HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!
Q: How many [members
Q: How many [members of your favorite group] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Late Night Phone Call
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, ‘Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?’ He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.
‘I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.’
Man On The Porch
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away. There’s a damn Democrat on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.”
“What?” the operator exclaimed.
“I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; I don’t know him and I’m afraid!
Please send the police.” the little old lady repeated.
Well, now, how do you know he’s a Republican?
“Because, you damn fool, if it was a Democrat, he’d be screwing somebody else!”