Author: admin

Parenthood Tests

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MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Labor Pains

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Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time
dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her
and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman
to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels
really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband
says, “I don’t feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another
pill I can handle this.” So the wife takes another pill. Same
thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same
thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her
husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still
feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses.
He tells her, “Take another pill. This isn’t hurting me at all.
Let me take all the pain away.” So she does. Now they are both
feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.
The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they
find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

Viagra at Work

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she’s back at the doctor. She says, “Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Naah… “, she says, “that’s okay. We aren’t going back to that Restaurant anyway.”

Lol

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OK three people where in a plane. one was

Asian,Mexican and Ameircan the people had

the light the plane cause it was going to

crash

So the Asian throws a bag of rice then the

mexican guy throws a bag of flower and says

he has a lot of these in his country then

the Ameircan guy throws the mexican guy and

says i have a lot of these in my country.

PUT ON TWO COATS.

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her
husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she
decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the
task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in
a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is
doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has
a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions
on the paint can and they said….

(scroll down)… I love this one …

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Hungry Pet

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A woman walks into a pet store and tells the owner, “I’m looking
for something small and furry. I don’t want a dog or a cat, I
really want something original, and something with a healthy
appetite.”

The owner says, “I have just the pet for you.” He goes into the
back and comes out with a small fuzzball.
“That’s it?” the woman asks.
“Yep. It’s called a fuzzball. It’s cute, one-of-a-kind, and
eats a lot.”
“Well, okay,” the woman says. She bought the pet and went home.

Once there, she wasn’t quite sure how to feed it, or even how it
ate. As an experiment, she put some meat on a dish and set it
beside the fuzzball.
“Uh… Fuzzball, food!” she said, and almost instantly, the
fuzzball rolled to the plate and gobbled up the food.
“Oh, this is easy!” she thought, and left a bowl of water for
her pet. “Fuzzball, water!” she said, and the fuzzball devoured
the water, bowl and all.

Later that day, the woman was tired and sat down on her couch.
She decided to find out how her pet was at cuddling.
“Fuzzball, couch!” she called, but the fuzzball came over and
ate the couch. The woman fell to the floor.

That evening, the woman’s husband came home. Once he entered
the livingroom, he was shocked to see the couch missing.
“Honey!” he called, angrily. “What happened to the couch?!”
The woman answered, “The fuzzball ate it.”

To which her husband replied, “Fuzzball, my ass!”

Thank you for coming in, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton….

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Thank you for coming in, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, that’s 2.2 million and with the
customary 20 % down that’s $440,000 – leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. Now
let’s have a look at your financial statement. Let’s see, Mr. Clinton you
are the President of the United States of course, and your salary is
$200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two
and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for
something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher. And I see here
that you’ll be out of a job in 6 months or so. What will you do then? Open
a library? In Little Rock? Arkansas? Wow, I bet that will be some kind
of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you’re running for the Senate, right? Senators are paid
$130,000 a year, assuming, of course, that you’re elected- so even with
your pension you’re still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe
a nice center hall colonial.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven’t worked outside the house since 1991? But you did
some volunteer work I see. You tried to overhaul the entire national
health care system? I see. But no one was interested? But you have other
experience? Yes, I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas.
How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison
Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. You actually did go
to Yale, you claim? A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of
your business partners went to jail.

This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does after all,
affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No, fine. Let’s
look at your assets: you owe $4.5 million, Mr. Clinton? How do you expect
to pay that off? You’re hoping people will donate to a special fund? So
basically, you’re relying on the kindness of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be
setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the
airfares. And she wants to go to medical school? Any legal problems? I
see a $90,000 fine for perjury. I guess that rules out putting your law
degree to work. Say, how do we know you’re not lying on your loan
application? Of course it would look a lot better if you WERE lying.

Are there any other legal matters we should know about, Mrs. Clinton? You
don’t think you’re going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of
justice rap? But we’re not totally sure, right? That means there’s a
remote possibility- note that I say “remote”-that you could be trying to
pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching
mailbags for the feds, while Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a
library in Little Rock.

Let’s review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one
soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts
equivalent to over 22 times your annual income that you’re hoping someone
is going to come along and pay off for you. There’s a criminal indictment
looming in your near future. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an
old Ford.

We’ll give you a call.

Una muchacha se prepara para

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Una muchacha se prepara para la boda y su mam� le est� dando las instrucciones:

“Mi hija, si tu marido te propone hacer el sexo de OTRA MANERA, �no lo aceptes!”

“Est� bien, mami”.

Pero pasan unas semanas despu�s de la boda y el esposo no le dice nada. Entonces la muchacha, por curiosidad, le sugiere:

“Vamos a hacerlo de OTRA MANERA”.

“�T� est�s loca? �Quieres quedarte pre�ada?”