This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.Tech Support: “OK, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.”Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”
Author: admin
Outdoor Sex Danger
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
Love Old and Feeble
Husband: Darling, will you love me when I’m old and feeble?
Spouse: You bet I do.
Science class ( a true story)
You won’t beleive this. It’s a true story. Ahem: About a year ago I was at Science Class and sitting beside my buddy Chad. We were in this huge science lab, and were waiting for our assighnment Mr.Hall wlked in, and wrote on the marker board. “All students will be required to wear they’re goggles and an apron. Pair up with a partner and you will each be given a series of chemicals. make predictions about what you think they are. Look, touch,(with gloves)and write down observations. Next, heat the chemical you observed, and describe what happens. Do not over heat bunsen burner! Record observations in science journal, and wait for further directions.”
Chad and I put on our gear and grabbed our chemicals. I tested a few, but came up on one that I couldn’t figure out. Chad on the other hand, was doing fine with his half.
“What do you think this is?” “Dunno” Chad replied, he lit the burner. I observed the liquid. it was clear, and looked like water.
I poured a little out and touched it. It was cold. “Chad. I’m going to taste this I know it’s water.” Chad turned towards me. “What? You pussey! You can’t do that! You don’t know what that is!” “It has to be water!” “Don’t take any chances!’ Chad replied. I looked at my chemical carefully. I was convinced it was water. So I began to put it to my lips when, chad knocked over his burner, and the chemical fell into the floor! His apron caught fire, and he yelled at the top of his lungs. Everyone screamed! Chad ripped off his apron and through it onto a table. But the table was covered with paper! It began getting larger. Still convinced that the chemical was H2O I picked up the glass and threw it on the fire. Unfortunantly, I found out later that the chemical was actually Gasoline!! The fire raged as the fire engulfed the two tables nearest to it!! “Evreyone out!!!!” Mr.hall and my classmates ran out the door as Mr.hall grabbed a fire extinguisher in the hall and ran into the room. After about two minutes, Mr.hall came out, and yelled “Who is responsible for this?!!” Everyone pointed to Chad and me. We looked at each other, and then at Mr.Hall. “You two!!! To the Mr.Simpson’s office!!! Now!!!”
Chad and I spent the rest of the school year suspended and in detention. We never neared a fire without caution again.
The moral: Look before you leap (Because you’ll fall, oh yeah, you’ll fall.)
Happy Thanksgiving
I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw open the door.
Looking at you ,I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms,to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put
inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can’t put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.
“Oh yes”, I say to you, “I must say Grace!”
“Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen.”
(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Dumb Men Jokes
1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He’s breathing.
7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the the neck up.
9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows . . . . . . It’s never been done.
11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.
12. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.
14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
15. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?
So he can get air to his brain.
16. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
17. How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.
A Friends Oath
This is probably the most honest “friendship” poem ever penned…When you are sad,………….I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard/bitch who made you sad.When you are scared,……… I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.When you are worried,………I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.When you are confused,……..I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.When you are sick………I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.When you fall……I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.This is my oath……………I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?…………..Because you’re my friend.
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertain in an Arkansas bar. He’s going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes – we ain’t all stupid here in Arkansas!” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, “You stay out of this mister– I’m talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!”
The difference 1
Whats the difference between Christmas and terrorism attacks?
They don’t celebrate Christmas in Afghanistan.
For the sick
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.” After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
“Were you sick?” her mom asked.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”
Sex On Second Date
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
Yo Mama’s So Fat… Steps On A Dollar
Yo’ mama so fat, she steps on a dollar and makes four quarters.