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At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret
for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman
A Father is a man with pictures in his wallet, where he used to keep his money when he was single.
How did the FBI know that the jaws victim had dandruff?
He left his head and shoulders on the beach
Temperatures
60 degrees – Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees – Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees – Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees – You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees – Italians cars don’t start.
32 degrees – Water freezes.
30 degrees – You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees – Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees – Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees – French cars don’t start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees – You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees – American cars don’t start.
0 degrees – Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees – German cars don’t start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
-15 degrees – You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees – Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don’t
start.
-25 degrees – Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 degrees – You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don’t start.
-40 degrees – Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees – Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 degrees – Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 degrees – Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 degrees – Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.
One day, this guy who had been stranded on a desert island all alone for 10 years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
‘It’s certainly not a ship,’ he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer
and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly emerging from the surf walking towards him comes
this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and asks,
‘How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?’
‘Ten years,’ he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says,
‘Man oh man. Is that ever good.’
She then asks him,
‘How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?’
Trembling, he replies,
‘Ten years.’
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says,
‘Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic.’
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit, looks at him seductively and asks,
‘And how long has it been since you’ve played around?’
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies,
‘Oh my God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!’
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young
engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.
“In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays,
full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and
a company car leased every 2 years…say, a red Corvette?”
“Wow! Are you kidding?”
“Yeah, but you started it.”
YO mamas soo fat, she was riding down the street in a red suit and fire fighter said weres the fire?
A man and his new bride were in their honeymoon suite on the night of their wedding. They had never been intimate. When the new wife shyly suggested they get undressed the man said he needed to make a confession. He told his new wife that he was built like a baby. The new wife pondered over this for a moment and then gently told him that is was ok and they would work it out. Then the man unzipped his pants and his penis rolled out and fell to the floor. The wife gasped and said, ‘I thought you said you were built like a baby?’The husband replied, ‘I am, 6 lbs. 8ozs, and 22 inches long!’
Tres mujeres regresaban a su pueblo cuando vieron a un hombre, obviamente borracho, caminando delante de ellas.
Mientras lo observaban, el borracho cay� boca abajo en un charco de lodo. Entonces ellas caminaron hasta �l, y una lo volvi� de espaldas para ver si lo reconoc�a. Sin embargo, su cara estaba tan cubierta de lodo que la mujer se inclin� y le baj� los pantalones. “Bueno, este tipo no es mi marido,” dijo la mujer.
La segunda mujer se asom� y dijo, “Tienes raz�n, no es tu marido.”
La tercera, algo mayor que las otras dos, se acerc� y dijo, “Este tipo no es nadie del pueblo.”
Yo daddy is like a mounds bar — he’s got no nuts.
Two friends decided they would dodge the draft by having all of their teeth pulled. They knew the army would not take them if they were toothless. Finally, the day came where they were to report to the draft board. As they lined up they were separated by a big truck driver who had obviously not bathed in weeks. When the first friend stood before the sergeant for a physical examination he told the sergeant that he had no teeth.
The sergeant ran his fingers around his gums and said, “Alright, you have no teeth — you’re 4F.”
Next came the big, smelly truck driver. The sergeant said to him, “What’s wrong with you?”
The truck driver replied, “I have a terrible case of piles.”
The sergeant inserted his fingers in the truck driver’s ass, and felt around, and said, “Yep, you’ve got piles. You’re 4F.”
Next came the second friend, and the sergeant said, “What’s wrong with you?”
The recruit stared at the sergeant’s finger and replied, “Nothing sir, nothing at all.”
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem – a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.” The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball,” He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.