Author: admin

Help for Internet

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Hello.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured,” you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE’SSAKE.

We’re here, we’re free, and we’re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

Dos amigos se encuentran y

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Dos amigos se encuentran y tienen ganas de hacer bromas; uno le pregunta al otro:

�Bueno, �sabes cu�l es el l�mite entre la desesperaci�n y la locura?�

�No�.

�Ah, entonces levanta la otra extensi�n del tel�fono y escucha�.

�Pero, son las tres de la ma�ana, �a qui�n vas a llamar a esta hora?�

�S�lo escucha. (Al azar, el bromista revisa la gu�a de tel�fonos hasta encontrar un n�mero)�.

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing.�

Le responde una voz de mujer con mucho sue�o:

�D�game�.

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

La mujer, bostezando, responde:

��Aaag, aqu� no vive ning�n Pepe!� (Y cuelga).

El guas�n repite la llamada y le responde la misma voz, pero un poco molesta:

��D�game!�

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

Amodorrada y muy molesta, responde:

���Aaag!! Oiga, �ser� usted bobo? �Ya le dije que aqu� no vive ning�n Peeepe!� (Y cuelga bruscamente).

La llamada se repite una y otra vez, en cada ocasi�n la mujer se molesta m�s y m�s. Pen�ltima llamada:

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing�.

La mujer ya no puede de la indignaci�n, pues lleva m�s de una hora sin dormir:

��D�igaame!�

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

Bostezando y muy molesta, la mujer revienta:

���� AAAEEEGGGGG!!! ���LE DIJE QUE AQU� NO VIVE PEPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!�

El bromista se dirige al otro:

�Esa es la desesperaci�n, ahora ver�s la locura…�

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing�.

��D�igaaameeeeee!�

�Oiga, yo soy Pepe, �no me han dejado ning�n recado por ah�?�

������AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGG!!!!!�

Evil Overlord Handbook Part Five

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41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a
secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice
will be outlawed and destroyed.

42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come
by.

43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and
with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the
main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my
power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be
jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

44. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for
formal occasions.

45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero’s party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.

50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in
my old age.

Do You Know Me?

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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known
you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed
across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy,
bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he
said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me,
you’ll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”

THOR

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The Norse god Thor came down to earth in his human form to find a cute human girl for some entertainment. While hanging out at a bar, he realized that the only girl who was interested in him, although attractive, had a speech impediment. However, after a few drinks, thor decided to take her to a motel anyway, where he proceeded to give her the night of her life before slipping out the door when she fell asleep.

The next day, Thor felt bad for leaving her without even telling her who he was, so he went back to earth and knocked on her door.

“Who ith it?” she asked with a lisp.

“It’s me, the guy from last night. I just wanted to tell you that I’m Thor.”

“You think YOU’RE Thor?! I won’t be able to thit down for a week!”

La maestra les encarg� de

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La maestra les encarg� de tarea a sus alumnos contar una historia de la vida real y decir la moraleja que dicha historia les dej�.

Laurita comienza:

“Mi hermano andaba con unos muchachos muy malos y despu�s �l comenz� a portarse igual que ellos. La moraleja es: el que con lobos anda a aullar aprende”.

Sigue Juanito:

“A mi mam� le vendieron una cadena muy brillante y a los pocos d�as comenz� a herrumbrarse. La moraleja es: no todo lo que brilla es oro”.

Y as� todos lo dem�s hasta que le lleg� el turno a Pepito:

“Yo ten�a un pollito en la casa. Un d�a se cag� en la sala y el perro se comi� la cagada; despu�s sali� a la calle y lo mat� un carro. La moraleja es: ning�n come mierda debe salir a la calle”.

Cocktail Party

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A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was
approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.The doctor
mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, “How do you
handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social
function?””Just send a bill for such advice” replied the lawyer.On the next
morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a
$50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

a gay fart

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Two gay men stayed up all night having sex. The next morning one
of them got up and said”I gotta piss.”
Then the other guy said,”please don’t wack it man. I just
cleaned my bathroom yesterday.”
“Alright. I won’t, you silly goose.”
So after the gay guy finished the other guy walked in and saw
sperm all over the wall, and his friend asked” I thought I told
you not to wack.”
And the other guy says,” I didn’t, I just farted.”