A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.”The giant nodded.”If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. “I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.”Are you sure?” the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.””In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.”
Author: admin
Screw canoes
Indians capture 3 people they want to kill for skin for a canoe.
An American, a Russian, and a Frenchman. The Indians ask the
Frenchman “How would you like to die?” The Frenchman said “I
want to be hung.” So the Indians hang him. They ask the Russian
“How do you want to die?” The Russian said “I want to be
poisoned.” So the Indians poison him. Then they ask the
American”How do you want to die?” The American says “I want to
be forked.” “What’s forked?” asked the Indians. “Give me and
I’ll show you.” So the American takes the fork and pounds it on
his chest saying “Screw your canoe!”
Numbers
why 6 dont like 7?
ans- because seven hate nine (7 8 9) and six and nine are mates.
Bueno: Tu hija encontr� trabajo.
Bueno: Tu hija encontr� trabajo.
Malo: De prostituta.
Peor: Sus clientes son tus compa�eros de trabajo.
P�simo: Ella gana mas que t�.
What Would You Say?
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”, asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!”
Father to Blonde Daughter
What did the father say to his blonde daughter?
”If you’re not in bed by 11, come home.”
Love Handles
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
“Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!”, she exclaimed.
“No”, said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.”
“Lets see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage….”
“And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want…”
“I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, that’s it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.”
Poof, and just like that, her ears were gone!
Rejected Childrens Book Titles 2
Rejected Childrens Book Titles 2.0
1.Lets Learn About Jobs:Hookers
2.Ozzy Osbournes guide to a better vocabluary
3.Hitlers Life Story in Excrusiating Detail: FOR KIDS
4.More Four Letter Words that are Fun to Say
5.Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Sadistic Murderer whos primary targets are Mystery Solving Children
6.The Time Where Cindy Was So Bad, Her Mom stopped loving her
7.A Series of Unfortunate Events #17: The One where the youngest child dies
8:Harry Pothead and the Mysterious Bong
9.There once was an old lady who swallowed a fly and then got leukemia
10.101 Monsters that live Underneath your Bed
11.Rugrats All Grown Up: The Time Chucky Found that Mysterious Plant outside
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting…
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. “Whats with these guys”, says the
engineer “We must have been waiting for over 25 minutes!!”. “I don’t
know” answers the doctor, “but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!!”. “Hey,
here comes the greenskeeper. Lets have a word with him, and find out who
these guys are”. says the priest, who then turns around and says “Hi
George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us, they are rather
slow, aren’t they?” George: “Oh yes. Thats a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last
year. So we let them play anytime free of charge!
…. Silence…
“That’s so sad” says the priest, “I’ll say a special prayer for them
tonight”.
“Good idea”, replies the doctor “And I am going to contact my
Opthalmologist buddy and ask him if there’s anything he can do for them.”
“That’s all well and good,” says the engineer, “but why can’t these
guys just play at night?”
The man on the Island
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.”Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.”I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”
Porridge
Thick oatmeal. Rarely found on American tables as
children now have the right to sue their parents.
The name is an amalgamation of the words “putrid”,
“horrid” and “sludge”.
Almost the same…
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman – almost.” The priest says, “What do you mean, ‘almost’?” The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The man replied, “Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”