Author: admin

Politeness Pays Off

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The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.

“Yes,” replied the young woman, “much better.”

“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?”

The Rookie Cop

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A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!”

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

Pretty good, ” replied the veteran, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

Need to Amputate Penis

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A man took a trip to Mongolia. When he got there he had sex with
a women. After he returned to the U.S. he noticed that there
were purple and blue spots on his penis. He made an appoint with
his doctor.

The doctors took a look and told him, “You have a very rare
sexually transmitted disease only found in Mongolia.
Unfortunately there is no treatment and I’ll need to amputate
your penis.”

The man didnt take this very well, “You’re crazy. There is no
way I’ll let you chop off my dick!! I going to get a second
opinion.”

Since he got the disease in Mongolia he flew back and talked to
a Mongolian doctor. “No, No, you no get chopped off. American
doctor just want money. No, No, you just wait. I save you money.
Your penis will fall off by itself anyway.”

How About That

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Two law partners were walking down the street one day and agreed that the
first one to die would come back and help the other from beyond. As it
turned out, the older of the two did in fact die a couple of weeks later
and that left the younger lawyer all alone and very discouraged. He waited
and waited and his partner never showed any signs of contacting him. Then,
after about two months, a friend suggested he go visit a clairvoyant and
maybe receive the help he needed. The younger lawyer summoned up as much
courage as he could and found the address. After walking down a seemingly
never ending set of steps and rapping the brass knocker a couple of times,
the door opened and through a screen of dangling beads, he saw a little
old lady sitting at a table with a crystal ball in front of her. “Can you
help me please?” he said. “My partner just recently died and I would very
much like to get in contact with him.” To which the woman responded, “for
50 dollars you can talk to your partner, but he won’t be able to talk to
you. For 100 dollars, he will be able to talk to you, but not you to him.
And for 200 dollars, you will both be able to talk to each other while I’m
drinking a glass of water.”

5 Questions that put FEAR into a Man!

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The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1…What are you thinking about?
2…Do you love me?
3…Do I look fat?
4…Do you think she is prettier than me?
5…What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a…Baseball.
b…Football.
c…How fat you are.
d…How much prettier she is than you.
e…How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
a…Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b…Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c…That depends on what you mean by love.
d…Does it matter?
e…Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a…Compared to what?
b…I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c…A little extra weight looks good on you.
d…I’ve seen fatter.
e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:

a…Yes, but you have a better personality.
b…Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c…Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d…Define pretty.
e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”).
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed
WOMAN: – – – silence – – –
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

Grasshopper

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a scientist doing experiment on a grasshopper. he first cut off the two front legs,then barked “jump!!!” the grasshopper did. He then again cut the other pair of legs and again commanded “jump!!!” and again the grasshopper did. finally he cut off the last remaining legs. and again shouted to the poor creature “Jump!!!” the insect did not flinch, after trying several time, the grasshopper did not budged, he made his final conclusion.

“grasshoppers, when all of its legs are cut off becomes DEAF !!!”

Headlights, Snake, and Garden

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One day there was a man and a woman and they decided to get married. So after they got married they adopted a boy about 8 or
9. The next day the man said to the woman that he was going to have a shower but the little boy said i want to get in the shower tooooooooo, so they both got in the shower and the man says whatever you do don’t look down. So of course the boy looks down and he says, “What is that daddy?” So that dad says thats my Snake so the boy says o.k. Once they get out of the shower the mom says to the dad thaht she was going to have a shower and the little boy says but I want to have a shower tooooooooo, so they both go to have a shower and the mom says whatever you do don’t look up OR down so of course the boy looks up AND down and when he looks up he says whats that mommy and the mom says those are my headlights and then he looks down and he says what is that mom and she says that is my garden so the boy says ok so they both get out of the shower and that night the mom and dad get into their bed and the little boy says but i want to get into the bed to so they say o.k. So in the middle of the night the little boy says, “Mommy Mommy turn on your headlights there’s a Snake in your Garden.

Help My Wife

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A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist’s office and nervously exclaimed, “Doctor, I need your help right away.”

“I can see that,” retorted the doctor. “Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem.”

“I don’t have any problem,” the man snapped. “In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power — everything! But I’m afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble.”

“I see,” said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. “And what seems to be her main problem?”

“For some strange reason,” answered the unhappy man, “she thinks she’s Mrs. Schwartz.”