Author: admin

Texan in Hell

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A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

“Well, sir, we’re from Texas, and we’re used to the heat,” says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. “I’ll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS.” He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans’ camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. “Well, sir,” explains a Texan, “when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain’t hardly nothing.” The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

“Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let ‘s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat,” he says as he heads to the thermostat. “I’ll check on them tomorrow.”

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans’ campsite, and they are all whoopin’ and hollerin’ and drinkin’ the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin’ like there is no tomorrow.

“I don’t get it,” the Devil says, completely defeated. “I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?”

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, “Look around! Hell is frozen over. That’s just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House.”

An imaginary situation

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I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but think it
is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and
there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies
compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. Let’s say you’re a photographer out
getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for
particularly poignant scenes. If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton
struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice
of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the President
being swept away………..

Questions

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Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.

Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.”

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

HIM: “Why can’t I tell when you have an orgasm?”
HER: “Because you’re never home when it happens.”

A Likely Story

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A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair,
and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw
flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,”
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . .
then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he
thought, and pulled over. The officer came up to him, took his license without a
word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my
shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can
give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The
guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was
afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the
officer.

Un tipo estaba en la

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Un tipo estaba en la parada del autobus temprano en la ma�ana y en eso pasa otro en bicicleta y le grita:

“�Cornudo!”

El tipo mira hacia todos lados pensando que no era con �l y no se inmuta mucho.

Al otro d�a ocurre lo mismo, pero ya el tipo comienza a molestarse pues en su vida hab�a visto al de la bicicleta.

Al tercer dia decide cambiarse de lugar en la parada para ver si era una coincidencia, pero el de la bicicleta despues de mirar bien a la parada da otra vuelta y le grita:

“�Cornudo!.”

El tipo no puede m�s, regresa a la casa y le reclama a su esposa que hay uno que le esta diciendo que es cornudo. La esposa se derrite en explicaciones, pues ella no sabe por que le grita ese hombre. El marido enfurecido la amenaza con matarla y la esposa le suplica y le asegura que ella es inocente. Despu�s de una acalorada discusion finalmente se calman los �nimos.

Al d�a siguiente el tipo vuelve a irse a la parada. En eso pasa el de la bicicleta y le grita:

“�CORNUDO… Y CHISMOSO!”

The Blonde and the Shepherd

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There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.

So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass.

While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd – “If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?”

He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed “487”. The shepherd said “WOW! That’s right…well…take any sheep you like…a deal’s a deal”

So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, when the shepehrd says “WAIT!

Now I have a deal for you…. if I guess the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?”