Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!” 11. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!” 10. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”
Author: admin
Moronic instructions
On a hairdryer: ‘Do not use while sleeping.’ On a bag of chips: `You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.’ On a bar of soap: ‘Directions: use like regular soap.’ On some frozen dinners: ‘Serving suggestion: defrost.’ On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: ‘Fits one head.’ On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): ‘Do not turn upside down.’ On packaged Bread Pudding: ‘Product will be hot after heating.’ On packaging for an iron: ‘Do not iron clothes on body.’ On children’s cough medicine: ‘Do not drive car or operate machinery.’ On sleep aid: ‘Warning: may cause drowsiness.’ On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: ‘For indoor or outdoor use only.’ On peanuts: ‘Warning: contains nuts.’On a packet of nuts: ‘Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.’ On a Swedish chainsaw: ‘Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.’ On a child’s Superman costume: ‘Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.’
Friends don’t let friends drink
Friends don’t let friends drink Miller.
If there is a 50-50
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.
Your mamma
your mamma is so harry she has to part the hair on her butt to take a crap.
Sent flowers
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted
to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card;
it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he
had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist said.
“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
“Congratulations on your new location”.
Milk bath
This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 30 litres of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake, and thought she probably meant three litres, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, ‘I found your note to leave 30 litres of milk. Did you mean 30 litres or three litres?’
The blonde said, ‘I want 30 litres. I’m going to fill my bath up with milk and take a milk bath.’
The milkman asked, ‘Pasteurized?’
The blonde said, ‘No. Just up to my tits.’
Movie Ratings Explained
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cock-er spaniel.
El doctor llama por tel�fono
El doctor llama por tel�fono a su paciente:
“Le tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.”
“Bueno… d�game primero la buena.”
“Los resultados del an�lisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.”
“Pero bueno, �esa es la buena noticia? �entonces cu�l es la mala?”
“Que estuve intentando localizarlo desde ayer.”
Yo momma and the orange juice
your momma so stupid when she went to the grocery store she stared at a orange juice carton for an hour because it said ‘concentrate’
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend…
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q. How can you tell if a woman’s cooking…
Q. How can you tell if a woman’s cooking is really lousy?
A. Natives from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.