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This guy walks into a small town bar…

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This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.

The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons ”46!!” Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out ”39!!” Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts ”14!!” Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.

The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender ”What is going on?”

The bartender says ”This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full”

The visitor is astounded ”Let me try!!” he says- So he shouts ”46!!” Nothing happens ”39!!” Still nothing. ”14!!” and yet still not a sound from the patrons.

The visitor says to the bartender ”I don’t understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.

The bartender replied, ”Well, some folks can tell a joke……. and some folks can’t”

Monica’s Diary

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Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I’m so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House…. and I don’t know a thing about medicine. Don’t even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it’s a “hands on” position. Entry 2

Dear Diary,
You won’t believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, “You must be the new intern.” That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3

Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. Entry 4

Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5

Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they’re going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me “1-900 Monica.” (That means he thinks I’m one in nine hundred. That’s pretty special.) Entry 6

Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She’s really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word “conditioner?” She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald. Entry 7

Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner. Entry 8

Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I’ve been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I’m going job hunting with him tomorrow. Entry 9

Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones’ case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag. Entry 10

Dear Diary,
I’ve had it. I’m never going to be an intern again. I’m going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work. Entry 11

Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would I hope Spielberg will direct

Smartest Man

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In a small aeroplane there were four people: the pilot, the
Pope, Bill Gates and a hitchhiker.

They were flying over mountains when suddenly the pilot burst
through the doors to the passenger compartment and announced
that there was a fuel leakage and the plane would crash in 5
minutes.

“There are only three parachutes I’m afraid,” he said, as he
hurredly grabbed one for himself and jumped out. That left the
three passengers and two parachutes.

Bill Gates said, “I’m very important, and I’m the world’s
smartest man and I deserve to live.” And with that he grabbed a
pack and leaped out.

“Young man,” said the Pope to the hitchhiker, “I am old, I have
lived my life and it was a very good one. You’re still young,
please take the last parachute and save yourself. My life is in
the hands of God.”

“It’s okay,” said the hitchhiker. “Don’t worry, we have a
parachute each.”

“How can that be?” asked the Pope.

“Well, the world’s smartest man just jumped out with my
backpack!”

Birthing Pains

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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”
“A little more…”

“Like this?”
“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”

The Marriage Proposal.

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An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”

“It’s OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life”.

“Well, then”, she replies “I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?”

“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable. You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself”.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain –
“And how’s your sex life….”

“Infrequently”, he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking…
“And is that one word or two?

Bill Clinton

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Three presidents and Bill Clinton are in Air Force One. The engines start to
die and the plane starts to go down. The pilot comes out and says there is only
one parachute I will stay and die for my country but the rest of you will have
to decide who�s going to jump and who will live. So the first general jumps out
the back and yells, �I did it for my country�! The second general jumps out and
says, �I did it for my country�! Now the third general pushes Bill Clinton out
the window and says, �I did it for my country�!

Wedding night

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A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife “geez, I never realized you had such big breasts.”

The wife gets all upset and throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. “What happened?” asks the first man.

“Well” replies the other “I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was “Geez, I didn’t realize you had such a big Butt…” then she threw me out.

Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.

“Hey” says the second guy “Did you put your foot in it as well?”

“No” says the third guy, “But I bloody well could have.”

Packet of Crisps and a pint of Lager

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A man walks into a bar and asks the Barman for a pint a lager and a packet of crisps,when the barman served him the man drunks the pint of larger and placies the packet of crisps on his head turns around and walked out of the pub. The same thing happened the following two days. On the third day the barman thought ill catch him out, so in comes the man orders a pint of lager and a packet of crisps, The barman said sorry mate i can serve you the drink but i cant give you any crisps as we have run out ! so the man said ok then ill have a cornish pasty instead. He drinks the lager and puts the cornish pasty on his head and turns around and starts to walk out. Just as he gets to the door the barman says why did you put that cornish pasty on your head ! The man replies because you`ve run out of crisps.

90’s Rabbi Student

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Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he
had learned in Hebrew school one day. “Well, mommy, the rabbi told us how
God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his
engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely.
Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown
the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Sammy, is that really
what the rabbi taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, mommy, but if I
told it the way the rabbi did, you’d never believe it!”