A kid walks up to his mom and asks “Whats up?”
She answers:”Nothing but my Low Fat diet!”
Author: admin
Breaking into a house
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.”You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.”No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
3 Men and A Fat Lady
There were three men, a Mexican, American, and a Canadian, on a
plane w/ a fat lady and three parachutes. The plane started
going down, and the three men grabbed the parachutes. The
Mexican jumped out yelling, “God bless Mexico!!!!”
The Canadian jumped out yelling, “God bless Canada!!!!”
The American jumped out and yelled, “God bless America!!!!”
The fat lady jumped out w/o a parachute and yelled, “God bless
whoever I land on!!!!”
Pleasing Sister Mary
There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit. Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, “Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!”Sister Mary, crying, asks, “But Mother Superior, aren’t you happy that the abbey is warm?” To which the Mother Superior replies, “Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve.”
Never trust a drunk american
In New York an Englishman an Irishman and an American had been
drinking, the American led the other two to the Empire State
Building, at the top the American said to the Irishman “I bet
you $100 dollars that I can jump of this building and fly around
in circles.” The Irishman says “Your on.” So the American jumps
off and flys around in circles and comes back. The Irishman says
“Oh I can do that easy.” But h jumps off and splats on the floor
below and the Englishman says “You can be a right dick once
you’ve had a drink Superman.”
Titanic
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to
Heaven. St. Peter’s there and was having a bad day since heaven was
getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that
there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a
single question.
To the teacher, he says, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into
the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?”
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies: “That would have been the
Titanic, right?” St. Peter lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn’t
REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides
to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”
The garbage man guesses: “1228” “That happens to be right. Go ahead.”
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: “Name them.”
Saddam Hussein’s stockpile
Saddam Hussein’s stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.
May
Holl My is a May?
Moron Kid
After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a “moron.” He looked at he like he was saying,”Dad, do you know anything?”He finally said “Dad I looked ‘moron’ up in the dictionary and the definition of it is ‘a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old.’ Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!”
In order to get a
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it.
Life is like a sled dog team: if you ain’t…
Life is like a sled dog team: if you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery
never changes.