How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, They form a support group and learn to deal with
the darkness.
Author: admin
Poker Man
Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards:
You need a heart to love them.
You need a diamond to marry them.
You need a club to beat them.
And you need a spade to bury the bastards.
Antique Packet
Dateline, September 3, 2147Minneapolis — In a rare view of 20th century life, Cyber Archaeologist Ole Anderson of Minneapolis has discovered an extremely rare throwback to the 20th century: an ancient IP version 4 packet containing HTTP –the primitive method that early Internet builders used to transfer data in what predated our now familiar way of communications. Anderson is convinced of the packet’s authenticity since IP version 4 packets have not been seen on the global network in 115 years.”When I discovered the packet”, says Anderson, “I couldn’t believe my eyes. It contained an IP version 4 header which at first I couldn’t decipher. Amazingly, the the contents of the packet are in plain text which means that I didn’t even have to break the primitive crypto algorithms they had in those days. The packet seems to be directed at what was termed a `web site’ and an individual called [email protected]. We are still trying determine what a `ta-tas’ is.”Anderson claims that the packet was trapped in a networking equivalent of suspended animation which preserved it for close to 150 years.”The packet got trapped in a MPLS forwarding loop. It was widely believed at the time that packet life times were unnecessary because routing tables would converge and that misconfiguration would be rare. This was proven to be wrong and culminated in what has now known as the Network Panic of 2002 where a critical mass of packet entropy caused a worldwide collapse of the nascent Internet. Since then, all packets are marked with explicit lifetimes.”More remarkable is that Anderson found the packet at all. The packet was found in an antique shop in Duluth run by Doris Davenport on relic hardware by a company once known as Cisco Systems. Cisco, we all remember, was the first company that officially disbanded in the early 2020’s because all of the employees were worth enough to retire in comfort, some as young as 19 years old. The packet has been kept alive by the good fortune of battery backup and the bustling market for antique electronics.”It’s certainly fortunate that people are so fond of these relics,” says Anderson, “I guess it must be the blinking lights and the knowledge that our great-great grandfathers worked so hard on these simple little toys.”As far as Anderson can tell this may be the earliest known packet yet. It dates to 1999 which was right at the cusp of wide spread MPLS usage.”It’s hard to imagine that we’ll find anything that predates this packet, so we’re examining it very carefully for clues as to what life was like so very long ago. Conventional wisdom has always held that it was digital media swapping that fueled the early Internet, but this packet brings that all into question because by all appearances it seems to be directed at some sort of pornography distribution point.”Anderson will continue his search for more sources of ancient packets to bolster his new and disturbing theory about 20th Internet economics.
BAR TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
Door to Door
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking
lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say
anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the
carpet.
He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning
up that horse manure, I’ll eat every chunk of it.” She turns to
him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?” The
Salesman says, “why do you ask?” She says, “We just moved in and
we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”
A wife’s smoking ultimatum
A man called into a local radio station and told the ‘morning guys’ that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn’t going to get any sex. They asked him, ‘How long do you think you’ll be able to hold out?’ Reply: ‘Until my girlfriend dies.’
George W. Bush and the Jews
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, “How come the Jews know everything before we do?
The CIA chief says, “It’s simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What’s Happening). They just ask each other and that’s how they find out everything.”
Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works.
So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn’s most Jewish neighborhoods.
As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers “Nu, Vus Tutzuch?”
The old guy whispers back, “Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?”
Sleeping on the Job
Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:
1. “It’s okay…I’m still billing the client.”
2. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
3. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
the last time management course you sent me to.”
4. “I was working smarter, not harder.”
5. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”
6. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!”
7. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
8. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.”
9. “I’m in the management training program.”
10. “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss)
made me attend.”
11. “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I
dreamed about work!”
12. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who
practice Yoga?”
13. “The coffee machine is broke….”
14. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
15. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear
off!”
16. “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
17. “I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the
Walton’s)”
18. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!”
19. “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lenses without using my hands.”
20. “The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot.”
21. “I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.”
If I Only Had a Brain
What do you call a man without a brain?
Single or widowed!!
Rose Bushel, an amateur genealogical researcher,…
Rose Bushel, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her
presidential husband’s great-great uncle, Gunther Bushel, a fellow lacking
in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Texas in
1889. The only known photograph of Gunther shows him standing on the
gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
“Gunther Bushel; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped 1887,
robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton Detectives,
convicted and hanged in 1889.”
After letting her husband and his political staff of professional image
consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Gunther’s picture,
scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing
software so that all that’s seen is a head shot.
The following accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated
Press:
“Gunther Bushel was a famous rancher in early Texas history. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Texas railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted
several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally
taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a
key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective
Agency. In 1889, Gunther passed away during an important civic function
held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”
Choclate Maths
Work this out as you read. Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it’s fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (Try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (For Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 I’ll wait while you get the calculator…
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752… If you haven’t, add 1751…
6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born. You should have a three-digit number… The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are… YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!) THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2002) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Viola joke
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.