One day a blonde walked into a electronics store. She asked the person at the counter if she could buy that tv. The person said we dont sell to blondes.
The next day she went into the same store with a brunnete wig on. She said can I buy that Tv. That same guy said we dont sell to blondes.
The third day she came in with a black wig on and said can I buy that Tv. The same person said we dont sell to blonds.
The blonde said how did you know I was a blonde the whole time?
Because thats not a tv, its a microwave!
Author: admin
Need a Pen
A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, “Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer.”
The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, “Darnit! Some asshole has my pen.”
Some Horny Guy
Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.
Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband’s glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.
The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband’s glass of water. And that night they have sex.
The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.
So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.
A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: “Hello, how’s the whole family doing??”
The son, who answered the phone, answers: “Well, my Mom’s dead, my Sister’s pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, ‘Here KITTY KITTY’.”
Mixed Emotions
Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
The doctor
Q:Why did the blonde get raped by her doctor?
A:Because when the doctor said “open up” she opened up her legs!(like a pro too)!
Three Shots
Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.
The first redneck says to the other, “If you get lost, fire three shots into
the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.”
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He
decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then
waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest
rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.
The redneck answers, “Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the
hour until I ran out of arrows.”
Wat do you call a Boomarang which when u throw…
Wat do you call a Boomarang which when u throw it it wont come back..?? A Stick!!
Bar!
3 blonds walk into a bar what do they say?
Nothing they dont know who or where they are.
Weight Loss
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world
in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet,
Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the
Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the
other end asked, ‘How much weight do you want to lose?’, to which the man
responded, ‘Ten pounds.’
The voice replied, ‘Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll
have a representative over to your house in the morning.’.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There
stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, ‘If you catch me, you can have me’.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas,
through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing
like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she
said, ‘Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!’. He did just that
and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
‘How much weight do you want to lose?’, to which the somewhat less
overweight man replied, ‘Twenty pounds.’.
‘Very well’, the voice on the phone told him, ‘Give me your credit card
number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the
morning.’
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating ‘If you catch me, you can have
me’. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly
passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told
him, ‘Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!’ He ran to the
bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
‘This is fantastic!’, he thought to himself. Later that evening he called
the number again and the voice at the other end asked, ‘How much weight do
you want to lose?’. ‘Fifty pounds!’, the man exclaimed. ‘Fifty pounds?’,
the voice asked. ‘That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.’
The man replied, ‘Listen buddy, here’s my credit card number, you just
have your representative over here in the morning!’, and he hung up the
phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some
cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am
he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large
gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
‘If I catch you, I’m going to screw you’
Lucky Fisherman
Did you here about the lucky fisherman??
He married a gal with WORMS.
Parenthood Test
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.
7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
8. Forget the Lexus and buy a Mini Van. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!
9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “I love you, you love me” at work, now, CONGRATULATIONS! … you finally qualify as a parent.
Llega el presidente Zedillo al
Llega el presidente Zedillo al banco a cambiar un cheque. La cajera le pide una identificaci�n, a lo cual el presidente responde “se me olvid� mi credencial para votar, pero soy el presidente de M�xico, Dr. Ernesto Zedillo, �no me reconoce?”
La cajera le responde, “Pues lo siento, pero sin identificaci�n no puede cambiar el cheque, pero si me puede demostrar que usted es el Presidente se lo cambio”.
“�C�mo puedo hacerle para demostrar que soy el Presidente?”
“Haga algo. Por ejemplo, el otro d�a vino JC Ch�vez con el mismo problema, pero le pusimos un ring y noque� a un cajero de un golpe y demostr� ser JC Ch�vez. Tambien vino Jorge Campos, le pusimos una porter�a, par� todos los penalties y demostr� ser Jorge Campos”.
Despu�s de mucho pensar el Presidente dice, “Lo siento se�orita, s�lo se me ocurren puras pendejadas”.
Y la cajera responde: “�Lo quiere en billetes grandes o chicos?”.