Church Bloopers

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.”

“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy”.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Betting

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I’ll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me 5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didn’t know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

He thinks and thinks but doesn’t know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up ahill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.

Drink in the Pocket

It’s New Year’s Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket.The bartender says, “Look, Mac, it’s New Year’s Eve, and I know we’re both depressed, and I certainly don’t mean to bug you, but my curiosity is killing me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?” Kelly says, “It’s none of your freaking business! And if you be givin’ me a hard time, I’ll be breaking your bloody face!”At this time, a little mouse pops out of Kelly’s shirt pocket and says, “And that goes for your cat, too!”

You ask him then

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible.

The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

“Of course I do. It is the Bible.” the lady replied.

“Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?” he asked.

“Oh, Jonah … Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.” she replied.

“Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?” he asked.

“Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.” said the lady.

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

Angry Phone Mob

WELCOME TO PHONETIONS WHERE WE CALL YOU AND ASK QUESTIONS!

Apparently we have 400,000 new people on the line… Hey wait a minute…

The host walks to the curtain.

“Uh, we have technical problems here…”
_______________________
Phone Answerer: Excuse me.
HOST: WHAT!
Phone Answerer: You know the 400,000 people?
HOST: Yeah? So what?
Phone Answerer: 399,999 of them are complaining.
Host: Oh? And the last one?
Phone Answerer: Its your daughter.

PHONE ANSWERER: 399,999

Care to go upstairs?

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”

“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”

Stop the count!

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”

“Nine…”
“Eight…”
“Seven…”

Perfect People

It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they got married. One day on December 24 they were driving down the road and they noticed a man stranded on the side of the road. This was no ordinary man, but it was Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that they were they offered Santa a ride because he was in a hurry to get his toys delivered. So the perfect man and perfect woman sped up to deliver Santa to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of the 3 people were killed. Can you guess who survived? Answer below . . .
——————————————————————————–

Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both myths…the perfect woman had to survive.

Anatomy lesson

Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day.

She took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, “Johnny, this is where you come from.”

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.”

“Why?” one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a little shit.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis