yo mam so fat she is astapede of one.
Author: admin
On Childless Marriage
My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband!
Calling dogs and cats
What’s the best name for a cat?It doesn’t matter — they never come when you call.—————-What do you call a dog with no ears?Anything you want……he can’t hear what your saying!!!
So why doesn’t he just use his toes?
So why doesn’t he just use his toes?
Because going barefoot in public would be embarrassing.
There are two ways to
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
Quips and Quotes
Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language — and that’s just deciding who gets to hold the remote control. –Donna Gephart
Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly — now that’s probably got some nasty roots on it. –Crabby Road
He drops more names than a telephone book with bad binding. –Michel Marriott
She talks so fast that trying to interject is like threading the needle of a sewing machine while it’s running. –Nelda Flynn
Philosophy of Life: What it comes down to is, when you come into the world you have nothing … when you leave you have nothing … and in between there’s the IRS. –Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)
Word skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere. –Amy Tan
A raise is like a martini: it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily. –Dan Seligman
The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning. –Jerry Seinfeld
She uses tired clichis like coasters — a place to rest her mind before picking it up and using it again. –Janet Schwind
“Charity begins at home.” At about 6:30, when they call you and interrupt your dinner. –Crabby Road
The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way. –Earle Hitchner
Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people with matches. Joe Ryan
If time were a color, I bet it would be a tasteful off-white. –Greg Parrish
For some reason, immigrants always think that they have to join an onion before they’re allowed to work. –Chris Gahan
Whenever I’m driving through the desert, and I see a roadrunner, I run it over and say, “That’s for the coyote!” I don’t really like the coyote, but it’s a good excuse to run over things. –Craig Stacey
I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. –Paul Paternoster
If I can make just one person laugh, then it must’ve been a pretty good eulogy. –Wade Kwon
I don’t see why people waste good money buying blenders. A garbage disposal works just as well, and it comes with the apartment. –Paul Paternoster
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference. –Steven Wright
Old lie — The check is in the mail. New lie — I didn’t check the e-mail. –Brian Fine
I won’t stand for gossip! No, I sit down and make myself comfortable for gossip. –Crabby Road
I just needed to use your car
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.” Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”
One day a little girl came running into her house
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, “Mommy, I got five
dollars!” The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ”Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: “Don’t you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties.”
”OOOOhhhh” said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, “Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, “Where did you get the ten dollars from?”
The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed.”
The mother replied: “Didn’t I tell you that he is…”
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ”Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn’t wear any panties today.”
Actual calls to technical support
Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM’s help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as “hibernate.” Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer–the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a “window” to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.”Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
Otto y Fritz eran excelentes
Otto y Fritz eran excelentes amigos. Un d�a, Otto se va de viaje, y Fritz le env�a una carta inform�ndole:
“Otto, tu gato ha muerto”.
Otto, dolorido, le reclama con otra carta:
“Fritz eres un desconsiderado, �c�mo se te ocurre mandarme una carta dici�ndome tan fr�amente que mi gato ha muerto? Tienes que ir prepar�ndome, poco a poco, dici�ndome, por ejemplo: Otto, tu gato se ha perdido; Otto, tu gato se subi� al tejado”.
Transcurridos varios d�as, Otto recibe otra carta de Fritz:
“Otto, tu abuelita se subi� al tejado; Otto, tu abuelita se perdi�”.
Why did the…
Q. Why did the male sheep fall off the cliff?
A. He didn’t see the Ewe turn!