The service will close with

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Butt Crack

One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. And she won the lottery!She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, “What should I name my house?” And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house “Butt” Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog “Crack”. One day about a month later she woke up and couldn’t find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn’t find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, “Police please help me I’ve looked all over my Butt but I can’t find my Crack!”

Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: “If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?””Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.””Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?””It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.”What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow.”My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!””Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!!”

Surprise The Wife

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘1 2 3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens after when its over?”.

The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1 2 3 4’ and it will go down”. “But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!”

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says “1 2 3”, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘1 2 3’ for?”

George W. Bush’s Intelligence Quiz

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He
asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround
herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to
demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child
is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says,
“Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the
White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for
me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

“Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is
not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to
you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other
senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody
can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at
the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?” Powell
answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb ass.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the
answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!” And Bush replies in disgust,
“Wrong, you dumb ass, It’s Tony Blair!”

If Men Got Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

Women would rule the world.

Saving for holiday

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea — each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: “Isn’t it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills.”

The wife replied: “Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?”

Un tipo sale de la

Un tipo sale de la c�rcel donde ha pasado veinte a�os y, claro, lo primero que hace es recurrir a los servicios de una prostituta. Cuando acaban, ella le dice:

“Oye, �t� acabas de salir de la c�rcel, verdad?”

“Pues s�, �c�mo lo has sabido?, �porque te di por detr�s?”

“Eso me hizo sospechar, y lo confirm� cuando terminaste y, mec�nicamente, dijiste: Ahora te toca a ti”.