One for dirty minds!

The Gutter-Mind Test!

1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3). What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6). What does a dog do that you can step into?

7). What is a 4-letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands?

8). What is hard,six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10). What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?

======================================================================

*** The Correct Answers ***

1. talk
2. legs
3. a twenty dollar bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt,runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. last name

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer’s Lingo:

“COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM” We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee’s Lingo:

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:” I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE” I pilfer office supplies.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES” I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK” I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’M PERSONABLE” I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL” I carry a Day-Timer.

“I AM ADAPTABLE” I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO” I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED” The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

Non-seeing eye dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog.

After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First, a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by.

Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner, the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog.

At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded, “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

dumb blonde

there was a brunette and a blond they walked into a bar. the 5:00 O clock news was on . the news said that a man was going to commite suicide. the brunette said i bet $50 that the man is going to jump. the blonde says ok!. they find out that the man did jump so when the brunette was going to collect the money she said that she couldnt take it because she saw the 3:00 news and she saw that he was going to junp. the blonde said so did i but i didnt think he would do it again.

Honeymoon in Minnesota

Ollie and Olga were two Norwegians in the United States who were
madly in love. They decided to be married in the middle of duck
hunting season and have their honeymoon in Minnesota. They could
not afford to fly, so the had to take a bus from Chicago through
Wisconsin with a bunch of duck hunters. The bus is driving
along, and all of a sudden it breaks down in the middle of
Milwaukee. So while they are waiting, the duck hunters go inside
a coffee shop. Outside, Ollie, who is much to anxious to wait
for Minnesota, asks Olga, “Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in
the bushes?”

Olga replies quite upset, “No! I vant to vait until Minnesota so
it tis right!” Ollie is disappointed, but leaves it at that.
Soon after they are back on the road.

But a few hours later, the bus breaks down again in the middle
of Madison. So while they are waiting AGAIN, the duck hunters go
inside a coffee shop. Outside, Ollie, who is still quite
“antsy,” again asks Olga, “Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in
the bushes?”

Olga replies, “I’ve already to you! No! I vant to vait until
Minnesota so it tis right!” Ollie is once again disappointed but
says nothing. The bus is soon ready and begins back on the
journey to Minnesota with the duck hunters who are anxiously
waiting.

The bus does not get any further than Wisconsin Dells when it
breaks down AGAIN! The duck hunters go inside the coffee shop,
very annoyed thinking that they may actually miss duck hunting
season. Olga, trying to avoid Ollie, followed the duck hunters
inside the coffee shop and kinda overheard the duck hunters’
conversation.

After Olga gets her coffee she goes outside and whispers to
Ollie, “Hey Ollie, you vant to mess around in the bushes?”

Ollie, quite shocked replies, “But I thought you vanted to vait
until Minnesota!”

Olga quickly answers, “Ya, I did…But I the duck hunters vere
talking in the coffee shop, and they said ‘By the time ve get to
Minnesota, the FUCKING season vill be over’.”

army man

one day mr Jones the army mans wife died

the commander told sargent paul fisher to tell mr Jones

he went up to Jones and said Jones ya wifes died. and marched
off leaving Jones crying

The commander said to Sarge Fisher that was harsh mabey if
something happens again be a little more softer.

next day Egans dad died

Commander told Fisher to tell him nicer than last time

so Fisher went to the whole army and said all those with a dad
take one step back…Where do you think your going Egan?

Kidneys for Brains

The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said “Uh, 14? “No,” the teacher said. The second kid said “3.8” “Not quite” the teacher said. Finally the third kid said “That’s easy, 4” “Yes, you all get recess now”. At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said “It’s all about the Kidneys!” as he pointed to his head.

New Math

Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“274,” is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

Breaking Up

Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.
“I’m sorry Chuck, but you just don’t have a good sense of humor,” Laura said one day, “You’re dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny.”

Chuck who didn’t feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Laura. I’m sure you’ll make some guy very happy some day,” she smiled and blushed a little, “then, he’ll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out.”