What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys? Rhesus Pieces.
Author: admin
Sister Mary burst into the
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, ” Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, father” the nun
began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard
some of the older boys wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.
“But that’s not what
has me so excited, father” replied the nun, ” it was WHAT they were
wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate
the highest on the wall!!”
“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”
“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”
“How much did you win?”
Hip-Hop
Why did Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
For drizzle
Broken dishes
A woman went to the doctor because her husband did not want to
have sex with her anymore. She was worried there might be
something wrong with him or her. So the doctor said “Here, take
this pill and put it in some of his mashed potatoes tonight when
you eat super. I dont know if it will work and if it does work I
dont know how strong it will be.” The lady said, “Thats ok! I
will do ANYTHING for sex.”
So later that night she put it in his mashed potatoes.
The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her how
everything went. She goes “It was great Doctor, he pushed all of
the dishes to the floor and we had the best sex we have had in
months! I loved it!” The doctor said, “Well if you broke
anything then I will pay for it.” The lady said, “No that won’t
be necissary because I dont think that we will be going back to
that restaurant anymore anyways!!!”
Beer through you
Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Native Americans in Showers
How do you get a Native American in a shower?
Put a beer in it.
How do you get him out?
Turn on the shower.
Llega don Pepe a su
Llega don Pepe a su casa y se encuentra a Pepito en la sala:
“�Qu� haces, hijo?”
“Estoy jugando”.
“�Con qu� juegas?”
“Con lo que me sale de mis huevos”.
“�Eres un mocoso malcriado, majadero, hijo de la chin…! (Y, por supuesto, le pone una buena golpiza).
Un rato despu�s, va Pepito sangrando y lleno de moretones a suplicarle a su mam�:
“�Mamita, ya no quiero que me compres de los huevos Kinder Sorpresa!”
Riding a Dead Horse
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the
best strategy is to dismount.
In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more
advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1.Buying a stronger whip.
2.Changing riders.
3.Threatening the horse with termination.
4.Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5.Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6.Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7.Re-classifying the dead horse as “living impaired.”
8.Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9.Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10.Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s
performance.
11.Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead
horse’s performance.
12.Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to
the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13.Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14.Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Corporate Lingo
“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”
We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.
“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Talking dog
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Sure do.” The dog replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. “
“I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.”
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cause he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Types of computer viruses
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Who Enjoys Sex More?
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better- your ear or your finger?