your momma is so fat that when she steps on the scale it says “one person please.””
“
Author: admin
Hangover Rating System
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don’t feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you haven’t peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.
Mail Order Blonde
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist: “I’m on the road a lot, and my
clients are complaining that they can never reach me.”
Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car?” Blonde: “That was a little
too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”
Psychiatrist: “Uh … How’s that working?” Blonde: “Actually, I haven’t gotten
any letters yet.”
Psychiatrist: “And why do you think that is?”
Blonde: “I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps
changing.”
Shipwrecked!
A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.
One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled – “Stop fucking her down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” asked the husband after the sailor came back down. “We weren’t doing anything.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor. “from up there it looked like you were.”
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
“By golly, he’s right,” said the husband. “It DOES look like they’re fucking down there!”
Two Dollars
Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty
side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, Hey! How
about it babe? You and me?
As she got up to move, he said loudly, Honey, you sure look like you could
use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.
She looked back and replied just as loudly, What makes you think I charge by
the inch?
Why hell was ice cold wen gay me ruled the earth
There was a gay man who had recently died and was going to heaven. He climbs up the stairs to heaven and meets a man who happens to be the keeper of heaven and hell. They begin walking to the gates so the gay man can be let in, all of a sudden the keeper drops his keys, and being gay the man jumps on top of him and begins to hump the keeper.
The keeper says, ” what in the world are you doing, get off of me! I should send you to hell right now, but seeing as we are in heaven I should give you another chance”. The gay man agrees.
Once again the keeper drops his keys and being gay the man jumps on him again the keeper says, ” Oh my word get off of me right no I would be inclined to send you to hell but we are so close to the gates that I’ill give you one more chance, but that is it”! Once again the man agrees.
Sadly the keeper drops his keys one last time, the gay man jumps on top of him and is sent to hell. Well, being the keeper he is obligated to check on heaven and hell once a month to make sure everything is okay. He goes down to hell to check and everything is not okay, there is no fire or heat just cold ice.
The keeper finally finds the devil and asks, ” Why is there no fire or heat just cold ice”!
The devil replies, “You try bending over to light a fire”!
History Lessons — 2
“Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.”
“The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.”
“The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium.”
Arab Coffee
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
tiny cups at gunpoint.
Yo mama’s so dumb… battery
Yo mama is so dumb she stuck a battery up her butt and said, “I got energy!”
Armando y Mar�a daban un
Armando y Mar�a daban un paseo rom�ntico por el campo. Los deseos amorosos de Armando aumentaban conforme se internaban entre los arboles. Justo cuando su cachondez llegaba al m�ximo y comenzaba a arrim�rsele a Mar�a, ella lo interrumpe:
“Espero no te moleste, pero tengo ganas echarme una meadita”.
Un poco sorprendido por la vulgaridad, le dice, “est� bien, �por qu� no te vas detr�s de estos arbustos?
Ella asiente y desaparece detr�s de la maleza.
Mientras Armando espera, puede escuchar el sonido de los calzoncillos de nil�n desliz�ndose por las hermosas piernas de Mar�a, imaginando todo aquello que est� quedando expuesto. Incapaz de contener un segundo m�s sus instintos de lubricidad, mete el brazo a trav�s de los arbustos y toca la pierna de Mar�a. Suavemente sube la mano m�s y m�s, hasta que, horrorizado, agarra algo largo y grueso que cuelga entre las piernas de Mar�a.
“�Mar�a, por Dios! �Cambiaste de sexo?, grita angustiado”.
“No”, contesta ella, “cambie de opini�n… estoy cagando”.
Piggy Style
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what’s up. ”Well,” she replied, ”not everyone is as cheap as you are.”
Yo mamma is so fat
yo mamma is so fat thats why the only boyfriend she ever had was chef boyardee