Two hobo’s are walking down railroad tracks, haven’t eaten in a couple days, and are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the tracks, is a dead buzzard….maggots crawling all over the badly decomposed bird…green flies swarming the stinking mass. Stopping to stare at the smelly thing, one hobo says, “Let’s eat this bastard.” The other hobo says, “Naw, I’m gonna wait and have a HOT meal.” The first hobo replies, “Well, I’m too damned hungry to wait, I’m eatin’ this fuckin’ buzzard”. The second hobo says, “Suit yourself, but I ain’t waitin’ on you”, and starts down the tracks again. Ravenously, the first hobo begins stuffing the rotton bird into his mouth. After licking the last maggot from his lips, he looks down the tracks and sees his buddy….by now about a mile away… and takes off running to catch up. After running 10 minutes in the hot August sun, the hobo catches up to his buddy…..sweating…panting….stomach churning from the rotten buzzard he’d just eaten. Suddenly he begins to puke….every bit of the rotten buzzard is now laying in a putrid mass on the tracks. The second hobo smiles at the first hobo and says, “See?? I told you I was gonna wait for a HOT meal”.
Author: admin
Lesbian dinosaurs
what do you call two lesbian dinosaurs?
lickalotapuss
You fire her
One day, the president of the corporation starts calling in his senior vice presidents, one by one for a short talk.
Then he starts calling in the junior vice presidents, one by one.
Then he proceeded to call in all the rest of the company’s officers in order of seniority.
Finally, he calls in the new office boy. The office boy is petrified (he has never met the president before).
The president tells the office boy to sit down, and he bellows at the boy, “Have you been fooling around with the new secretary?”
The terrified office boy stammered out, “No, sir.”
So the president says, “Good, then you fire her!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Q. What did the
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.
Your classes at school were
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
Church rules…
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, ‘We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.’ The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, ‘Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?’ The old man replied, ‘No problem at all, Pastor.’ ‘Congratulations! Welcome to the church!’ said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, ‘Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?’ The man replied, ‘The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.’ ‘Congratulations! Welcome to the church!’ said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, ‘Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?’ ‘No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,’ the young man replied sadly. ‘What Happened?’ inquired the pastor. ‘My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.’ ‘You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,’ stated the pastor. ‘We know.’ said the young man, ‘We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.’
Stages of Life
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta
AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “tongue”
25 “breakfast”
35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 “Got home alive.”
AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an aeroplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 “Split the cheque before we go back to my place.”
35 “Just come over.”
48 “Just come over and cook.”
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniel’s with a Napkin chaser
AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Stefan colour my hair
66 Need to have Stefan colour my wig
AGE FAVOURITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “McDonalds”
25 “Free meal”
35 “A diamond”
48 “A bigger diamond”
66 “Home Alone”
AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in “The Empire Strikes Back”
1. “And I thought they smelled bad…on the *outside*!”
2. “Possible he came in through the south entrance.”
3. “I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?”
4. “Hurry up, golden-rod…”
5. “That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.”
6. “But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm…”
7. “Control, control! You must learn control!”
8. “There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.”
9. “Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?”
10. “I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!”
En la visita guiada al
En la visita guiada al museo de historia natural, el gu�a se dirige a los visitantes:
“Aqu� se encuentra el esqueleto de un Tiranosaurio Rex, el cual tiene, aproximadamente, 65 millones de a�os y 15 d�as”.
Sorprendido, uno de los visitantes le cuestiona:
“�C�mo es que usted sabe la edad con tanta precisi�n?”
“Mire, desde hace 15 d�as que trabajo aqu�, y desde entonces la osamenta ten�a 65 millones de a�os”.
Police Report
Recently, all the dogs were stolen from the local pound.
Police have no leads.
All the toilets were stolen from Police HQ last night.
Police have nothing to go on.
A hole was discovered in the nudist colony fence recently.
Police are looking into it.
What is the definition of an engineer?…
What is the definition of an engineer?
An engineer is a person who lacks sufficient personality to be a CPA.
You’re a redneck … when you see a
You’re a redneck if…. When you see a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” it
reminds you to pull up your jeans.