Author: admin

If Microsoft was Jewish

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1. Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Ferklempt.”

2. When you fill up your “C-drive”, you will get a “Hard Drive is Shtupped” message.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Dreidels.”

4. CD-ROM’s would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB’s (digital video bagels).

5. Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.

6. “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already. You’re killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn’t hear that!”

7. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s tuchis.”

8. Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”

9. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read leavened floppies.”

10. “Microsoft Word” would be renamed to “Microsoft Kibbitz.”

11. Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.”

12. When running “scandisk”, you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.

13. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud “Oy!!!”

14. A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmutz” on your monitor.

15. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Schloffen.”

16. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

17. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line “Bingo”or “Mah-Jong.”

TOP 10 WORST CARTOON CHARACTERS

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TOP 10 WORST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME (WITH COMMENTARY)

#10- Tweety Bird- You know there’s a problem when every single kid roots
for the “hero” to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No
personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids
like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the
bus, and got me in trouble.

#9- Grape Ape- A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And
he does so non-stop for a half an hour. I’d rather watch “Davey and
Goliath covet heir neighbors model airplane.”

#8- Olive Oyl- Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady
NOT worth fighting over? And that’s what they did every episode! She
talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat.
Hey, Popeye, you’re a sailor… you can do better! Plus Olive can
never decide if she wants to date that jerk Brutus or not. The girl is
just bad news.

#7- Petunia Pig- Remember her? Porky’s girlfriend? She was a real
zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come
on, who did they think they’re fooling. We all know Porky is gay.

#6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers- What were they thinking? Were they
trying to cash in on the “Joanie loves Chachi” thing? And how come
every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful -and
thankfully shortlived- idea.

#5- Pepe LePew- Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment?
Let’s take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who’s
attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still,
he’s French.

#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats- How weak was this “Fred”
clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew
Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me
tell you something… you’re no Fred.

#3- Zan and Zana, the Wondertwins- How many times do we have to say it?
Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! “Form of… an idiot!”
They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago.
There’s no room for dead weight in this game.

#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones- It’s like “Hmmm, a miniature, green
spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn’t enough of a stretch.
I know! Let’s give him a snotty London accent!” Um, could I get a drug
test from Hanna Barbara, please?

#1- Scrappy Doo- And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined
Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of
Saturday morning cartoons. I can’t even talk about it anymore. It’s
too upsetting.

Love to fish

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A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”

“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”

“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish”

A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”

“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”

The following day: “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”

“Yeah, but she’s got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to fish…”

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”

“It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”

Sid and Barney play golf

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Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!” Sid says with amazement.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

An Irishman’s Last Request

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Two Irishmen, Murphy and O’Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, ”O’Brian, come ‘ere O’Brian. I ‘ave a request for ye.” O’Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.”O’Brian, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m dying ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.” O’Brian bursts into tears, ”Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It’s done.” ”Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.” O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend’s request. ”Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

Penis problem

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A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s a little too well-endowed. In fact, it’s 25 inches long and he can’t get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.”

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Frog, will you marry me?”

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.”

The guy looks down and sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?”

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!”

Zappo! The guy’s down to 15 inches.

Well, that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, “Frog, will you marry me?”

The irritated frog yells back, “Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBroewn

We Really Can’t Win!

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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium
when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,”
she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his
arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”
“No!” she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you
screw?” he asked.
“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she
was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she
screamed in panic.
“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.