If at first you don’t succeed, well…darn.
Author: admin
You use the O on
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.Your bumper sticker says, “My other car is a combine.”The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The Asylum Loonies..
One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”Well, the publican isn’t sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.He says to the publican, “They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he’s charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.”Let’s call It $150,” he says.The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, “That’s fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?”
Q. What’s love?…
Q. What’s love?
A. The delusion that one woman is different from another.
The Top 13 Signs Your Guardian Angel Doesn’t Like You
13. As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in the wind whispers, “Dammit!”
12. Always starts breakfast chat with “Hey, hotcakes — I got your syrup right here!”
11. After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare Company, the only acting gig you can land is as “Dead Crack Ho” in a UPN movie of the week.
10. Only after you’re committed to the mental hospital for schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices.
9. That’s too big to be *bird* caca on your shoulder.
8. The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just COMPLETELY unacceptable!
7. Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas.
6. You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike Tyson, Latrell Sprewell, Sean Penn, and Mickey Rourke.
5. You’re out of work, you bang your head every time you get in the car, and the new Mrs. Rodman nags *AND* snores.
4. Devil on your left shoulder: “You can beat the train.” Angel on your right shoulder: “I concur. The locomotive is definitely beatable.”
3. Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck.
2. Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank the monkey.
1. On one shoulder, a little red devil says, “Go ahead, let her do it. No one will ever know!” From the other shoulder, you hear, “That’s right, Tubby — and besides, you’re the President!”
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]Un individuo se acerca a
Un individuo se acerca a la barra de un bar y el camarero le pregunta:
“�Qu� va a ser?”
El t�o responde muy serio, “Arquitecto, voy a ser arquitecto.”
El camarero sorprendido repite la pregunta de otra manera y le dice, “Quiero decir que �Qu� desea?”
“�Hombre! deseo terminar la carrera en 5 a�os.”
El camarero se empieza a mosquear y le dice, “No me ha entendido. �Qu� va usted a tomar?”
“�Ah s�!. Pues no s� �Qu� hay?”
El camarero responde:
“Pues ya ves, aqu�… de camarero, vamos tirando. No se gana mucho pero hay cosas peores.”
Why did George Bush’s presidency
Why did George Bush’s presidency preceed Clinton’s?
Because Clinton is always after bush!
Fly Naked!
A man called United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. “How much do you weigh, Sir?” asked the clerk.
“With or without clothes?” the passenger asked.
“Well,” said the clerk, “how do you intend to travel?”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Amusing a blonde
How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper.
Las Vegas Comedown
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.The first guy says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, ‘7 come 11’ all night and I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”The second guy says, “I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, ‘Hit me light or hit me hard!’ and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”The third guy says, “You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.”
Addicted to AOL!
1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.
2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let’s show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you’re starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your buddy list, OK?
5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can’t you just finish up and go read a good book?!
6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?
7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?
8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!
9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives
9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.
11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn’t think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!
12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?
13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!
14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM… See job application enclosed!