A gay guy is sitting in the corner of an old west saloon,
suddenly, a rugged looking cowboy burts in and yells
“I’m so thirsty, i could lick the sweat off a cows balls!”
and the gay guy goes “Moo Moo, big guy”
Author: admin
Q: How many bankers
Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None, bankers don’t change light bulbs.
Lawyers Grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”
Yo mamas like a hockey player….
your mama is like a hockey player…she doesnt change her pad for three periods
The very model of a Usenet Individual (song)
The Internet Newbie’s SongSung to the Major General’s song from ‘The Pirates of Penzance’ by Gilbert& Sullivan I am the very model of a Usenet individual, I’ve information meaningless and ultimately trivial, I know the basic elements of alien biology, And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology, I’ve seen ‘The Wrath of Khan’ and every Star Trek film that followed it, I moan about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it, About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast, With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST! ALL: With many cheerful etc. I’ll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama, And why the USA is still a better place than Canada, In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual. I post in alt.revisionism lies about the Holocaust, I cut my .sig to twenty lines, I didn’t want to, I was forced, I really can’t believe the ‘Good Times’ virus to be mythical, And Clinton’s raising taxes which is, frankly, bloody typical, I’ve upset several people on alt.flame, I really don’t know how, And sent a thousand business cards to Mr. and Mrs. Shergold now, I have a very poor grip of political geography, And absolutely no involvement (yet!) in child pornography, ALL: And absolutely no, etc. I’ve paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe, And told the Spanish tourist’s tale about the toothbrush pessary, In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual. In fact, when I know what is meant by ‘binary’ and ‘FTP’, When I know how to decode porno JPEGs from a .uue, When I can handle HTML, Telnet, mail and IRC, And when I know the words initialised to form ‘http’, When I have learnt what topics are acceptable in talk.bizarre,When I know more of Usenet than the tailpipe of a motor-car, In short, when I’ve a smattering of elementary netiquette, You’ll say a better individual has never surfed the Net. ALL: You’ll say a better individual, etc. For my technical experience, although I claim to know it all, Could barely serve to run the installation disk from AOL; But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual!
Stupid, Stupid Blonde
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
“They’ve stolen
the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the
accelerator!” she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.
He will be
there in two minutes.”
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911
dispatcher’s
telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the
line again.
“Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by
mistake.”
Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.” Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?” “Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”
Our Justice System
Judge Michael Walker, October 1997 To a 14 yr. old girl defendant in a rape case. If your going to sulk like a baby we are not going to get very farJudge William Crawford, March 1997 I know people with duodenal ulcers who work like niggersJudge Raymond Dean, 1990 (My personal favourite) In a rape trial when a woman says no, she doesnt neserceraly mean itJudge Ian Starforth Hill Of an 8yr old girl who had been sexually assaulted not entirely an angel herselfJudge Michael Addison A defendants crime was not of the more serious type because he knew his victimJudge John Prosser Order �500 compensation to a 15yr old rape victim saying that it should be spent on a good holiday to get over the traumaHis Hounour Major Michael Argyle You come from Derby, my part of the country, off you go and dont come before my court again. (Huh is that Legal???)Judge Harrol Cassel Sentenced a man to 2yrs probation for sexually assaulting his 12yr old stepdaughter because his wifes pregnancy had caused a lack of sexual appetite in the lady and considerable problems for a healthy young husbandJudge Justice Leonard Claimed that the trauma of Ealing Vicarage victim, virgin Jill Saward was not so very greatJudge Arthur Myerson Gave a rapist a 3yr sentence. The defendant had used a condom during the rape which Mr Myerson said showed concern for his victim???Mr Justice Rougier Described a rape victim as over emotional after her former lover raped her. He sentenced the man to 2yrs and said : I dont think it was such a shock to her as it may be to other women.
They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
Double Take Signs
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant -“Blackened bluefish.”
In a Maine restaurant – “Open seven days a week and weekends.”
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store – “Thirty-eight
years on the same spot.”
On a New York convalescent home – “For the sick and tired of the
Episcopal Church.”
Outside a country shop in West Virginia – “We buy junk and sell
antiques.”
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store – “15 men’s wool
suits – $100 -They won’t last an hour!”
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago – “Do
not activate with wet hands.”
In a New York restaurant – “Customers who find our waitresses
rude ought to see the manager.”
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company -“Ask about our
plans for owning your home.”
In the window of an Oregon general store – “Why go elsewhere to
be cheated, when you can come here?”
In downtown Boston – “Callahan Tunnel – NO END.”
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon – “Are you an adult
that cannot read? If so, we can help.”
On a Tennessee highway – “Take notice: when this sign is under
water, this road is impassable.”
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut – “No
trespassing without permission.”
In a New York medical building – “Mental Health Prevention
Center”
SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER
At a number of US military bases – “Restricted to unauthorized
personnel.”
In a Florida maternity ward – “No children allowed.”
In front of a New Hampshire car wash – “If you can’t read this,
it’s time to wash your car.”
In a Los Angeles clothing store – “Wonderful bargains for men
with 16 and 17 necks.”
In a Texas funeral parlor – “Ask about our layaway plan.”
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
Un d�a una ni�ita estaba
Un d�a una ni�ita estaba sentada observando a su mam� lavar los trastes en la cocina. De repente not� que su mam� ten�a varios cabellos blancos que sobresal�an entre su cabellera oscura. Mir� a su mam� y le pregunt� inquisitivamente:
“Porqu� tienes algunos cabellos blancos, Mami?”
Su mam� le contest�:
“Bueno, cada vez que haces algo malo y me haces llorar o me pones triste, uno de mis cabellos se pone blanco.”
La ni�ita digiri� esta revelaci�n por un rato y luego dijo:
“Mami, �porqu� TODOS los cabellos de mi abuelita est�n blancos?”